Human Needs Frustration At The Root of Passive Aggression

How frustration of human needs is located at the root of passive aggression?

Let’s recover a bit of human needs theory:

We all human beings have vital needs that demand the cooperation of others to satisfy. Without others’ help we cannot survive, develop and grow into independent adults.

Through the vehicle of necessary interpersonal relationships, these human needs are expressed and satisfied. Of course, sex and love are important part of those needs. In this graphic you can see the needs and how they build up on each other…

Humans at birth have a family, so we can both survive childhood and feel important and loved by parents and relatives. This is the basic attitude necessary to grow up feeling loved and connected with others later.

Why the connection with others, including future sexual companions, is important? because growth as an adult person needs the interchange of actions and messages between people to cover all the basic needs.

In this way, consensual sex is an agreement by which both sides cooperate in getting their connection needs solved, and marriage becomes an alliance between two people who agree to support each other in the fulfillment of these basic needs, so they can develop completely into adulthood.

Human Needs Chart

In other words, we can understand different levels of human needs describing different human situations like the following ones:


  1. We need many social connections, (variety) some of which are closer than others. We need to matter to others, be approved by and be held in high esteem by others.
  2. We need one significant, permanent and loving partner. If  we do not find one, we will have a deep craving and sense of something missing – even if we banish these feelings from our consciousness and refuse to acknowledge them – until we find such a partner.

For many people, some bonding needs are going unmet for long durations. This state of chronically unmet bonding needs can feel “normal.” or an acceptable fact of life... He or she may rationalize it as an aversion to sex, ineptitude at or disinterest in relationships. In other words, he or she experiences relationship pain but accepting somehow the responsibility for this frustration.

Looking at the basic frustration of connection skills that some men suffer, this is a skill that needs to be learned along life. All boys need both to learn how to connect with other men, the world of male companionship, and the very different sphere of learning how to connect with women, using relational skills to feel valued and appreciated.

In short, when this process is not done, he ends up seeing himself as rejected and isolated in a world where everybody else is connected...Passive aggression is the way of telling others that this person suffers due to the inhability to connect, and the way of compensating is getting even with the people assumed to be isolating him.

Isolated and frustrated young men are not new; what is new is the connection with deep wishes of “retribution” against their perceived isolation....we live in such an interconnected world that deprivation of basic human needs (as sexual needs)  are felt as a global attack against oneself.  The power of unmet human needs is real here.

What can be done to prevent this kind of behavior?

  • We need to be sure that we build emotional connections; that we care for each other in such a way we teach young people not only how to man a computer game but also how to express and share basic human needs language. We need to avoid bullying and all other ways of rejecting and ostracizing young people.
  • That hungers of the heart for love and connection are to be acknowledged and solved in everyday life; that we can’t ignore some kids’ starvation from connection because it will affect others that are not directly responsible for this starvation.
  • In a sense, we all have to take care of teaching our youngsters how to connect and relate to each other in an appreciative way, in such a way we nurture each other sense of self.


Nora Femenia, Ph.D. is the author of the book The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband, a field guide for women that have to deal with passive aggression from their partners.

Nora also posts regularly to her blog

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Using tapping to get passive aggression under control

Tapping– also known as EFT, is a wonderful tool for removing the emotions  that limit subconsciously your success.

Using this tapping technique, you can gain the emotional freedom to truly pursue being, doing and having what you really want in life.

If you are tired of always having a struggle when you want to make positive changes, perhaps it’s time you learn tapping.

 In what area of your life do you want to succeed?  Here is one of the last Brad's creations: "Passive Aggressive Much?" As you know, tapping is a simple, effective technique to tell your unconscious beliefs and emotions to shape up and support you in building a better life...Here is your video, so tap along with Brad...(Want more Brad videos tapping to improve other areas of your life? Here you will find a wonderful trove of tools)





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Our client’s testimonials


When I first spoke with Nora, I was near bottom... I had tried my heart out to please my wife, at least I thought I had.  It seemed as though our natural position was that of confrontation.  All I wanted was peace & quiet.  It shouldn't be this hard, I thought.  If my wife would only lighten up & try a little harder to just get along, everything would be OK.

Nora refused to be whitewashed by my smooth deliveries.  She saw through me.  Nora refused to go along with the 'poor little old me' facade that I had lived with & executed to perfection forever.

Slowly but effectively, Nora was able to show me in a way that I understood & wanted to incorporate in my relationship with my wife that my passive aggressive behavior had done a great deal of damage.  I needed to accept responsibility for my 50% of the problem.  [Even after starting down this new path, at times, I couldn't help but fall back on old patterns.]  More than just recognizing my part, I needed to apologize for how I conducted myself & then lo & behold if Nora didn't show me that I had repair work to do after that.  I had never considered that repair work was in my pile... whenever I hurt my wife, it was never intentional.  I always thought that if it wasn't intentional, it wasn't really my fault & that, in fact, it was no big deal & that my wife should just let it go as easily as I was willing to.

Now that I am armed with a much better understanding, I recognize that when my wife hurts, I'm disappointed that how I've conducted myself has caused her harm.  Sometimes I need a little time to get past my denial & come to terms with my mistake but even before that, if I can't put it together, I can still apologize for the hurt I've caused.  Doing something that validates my apology [the repair part] is now so much easier.  I am convinced myself so I am far more convincing to my wife.

Nora told me how it's not possible to change anybody else.... but it is possible to change how I treat that somebody else.  When I change how I treat that someone, it is impossible for them to continue to treat me the same as they used to.

Thank you, Nora... so much... you have given me a chance to make a different life... a happy one... inside of a loving relationship with my wife!



It is with a grateful heart that I am happy to send a round of applause to you and your persistent, consistent methods of steering my husband in a direction that is leading to new growth in our relationship.

From my point of view, there are few PA men that are genuinely ready to embark on the difficult journey of self awareness and mend their ways. For those brave men who reach that point, there is almost no tangible help available to them. What is available is all the negative frustration we as partners are venting in an effort to stay sane enough to perhaps hold on for one more week, day or sometimes hour!

I was very skeptical when my husband actually began to exhibit sharing behavior because it was short-lived initially (as the pattern had been for years). I had to take a step back, too tired to go another round of hope followed by crushing disappointment.

The difference this time was he had a back-up plan – you! With a coach willing to hold him accountable, even though there were (and sometimes still are) lapses, my husband has made significant progress. That has encouraged me to once again step up my end of the deal to be a loving, giving and, in the future, trusting wife.

As we all know there is no answer that continues to work if we don’t work at it; but if you own the tools it’s possible to do the necessary repairs yourself.

Thank you for the gift of yourself in our lives.


A truly hopeful wife


I asked Nora for help at a critical moment. I am glad she was able to listen to me as anyone else had done before. She also spoke to me very straightforward, which usually is hard to get from friends or family members. I am glad she was able to help me see things as raw as they can be.

Now, from that moment, I keep working on everything I can realistically do now in this situation, but with more awareness and moving little by little towards more confidence and strength. I can handle more going in steps than trying to solve everything at the same time as I was overwhelming myself to do when I first spoke to Nora.

I still have to work a lot on myself, but having the opportunity to talk to Nora has been strikingly important event to be able to avoid paralysis and self-destruction.

Thank you so much, Nora, for your kindness and support. May your love for helping us return to you in the same way you help us.


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How to get out of the dog house and save your marriage?

Are you really trying to save your marriage?

Hello Nora,
I am a passive aggressive husband with four children and a depressed wife. We just started marriage counseling because of my infidelity and my blaming her for it.

Anyways I saw most of your materials are for the woman in the relationship but none are for the man/husband. What can you recommend for me. I just finished reading No more Mr Nice Guy and I'm positive I'm passive aggressive and that it's ruining or may have ruined my chances to reconciliation with my wife.

Besides for the books I'd like to purchase, I'm starting therapy for myself besides the couple's counseling we recently started a month ago. What should I ask my new therapist to see if he can help me. I live in Maryland and saw you are in Florida so I don't know if you recommend anyone in the Mid Atlantic.

Thanks a lot and look forward to your response.


Dear Joe,
thanks for writing asking for support. Perhaps there is a mistake in your search, because I do have a program for you.

Please, go to

You will find there a program that will help you discover the roots of your problem, plus a plan for addressing it, and you can begin working on it NOW.
This program has two books plus coaching, and I do the coaching in the phone. Please, take the option with two coaching sessions.
Perhaps it would be useful to do this program before starting your personal therapy: it will help you pinpoint the challenges and know where to start with the learning of new behaviors.
I'm ready to have a 30' free call with you to answer questions immediately.

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Your next step is in your own hands, now!


Still thinking about your next step? Up until today, you have done everything right:

  • you began learning about the issue of passive aggression;
  • you then took the test;
  • you received your results and have ruminated since then;
  • and you keep asking yourself: what should I do now?

Now, you need to move into decision mood!

Does it happen to you that you feel trapped by the same repetitive situations in life? Constant fighting with your wife is one of the most commons, not a lot of fun, but it happens almost automatically, and when you less expect it… As the worst kind of action in life is inaction. If you are experiencing a long-term confrontation in your marriage, and it’s taking its toll, the time for action is now.

I work primarily with men who are at a crossroads in their marriage. For them, communication with their spouse has faltered. At the same time, his wife is pressing him about an issue that she feels needs resolution. She pressures and prods him to accept and change his passive aggression, only to cause him to feel accused, shut down and shut her out. Behavior on both sides keeps escalating into rejection and contempt, and the union is slowly dying.

You can hear often that: "You can only influence other person's behavior if you change the way you treat her." If he accepts this axiom as true, then he could try to change his mindset and his approach to her, so her response to him becomes more appreciative and respectful.

After much research and sifting through the myriad of sketchy programs in the market, my client discovers that we offer the only comprehensive solution to her frustration with married life.

“The 4 Steps to Free your Marriage from Passive Aggression” is our signature four-step program. In it, we teach you how to find and change behaviors produced by an approach that simply isn’t working. After applying our proven program you will know how to best approach your wife, how to solve differences between you, and how to express your needs so they are heard and acted on as part of the marriage deal.


Our system is easy to use, simple to understand, and proceeds in a methodical way where we can help you anywhere you live. We work with people nationwide, by phone, so there is no travel time and geography is not an issue (so, your best friend in Virginia is as much a prospect as someone down the street.) If there is a need to include the help of your wife in the process, we can do that using phone or Skype online. And its powerful content will walk you through the origins of passive aggressive behaviors, how to detach from those attachments, and how to behave in a new way. You will even learn the communication skills to express yourself without risk of misunderstandings.


It begins with a confidential and simple test done at your leisure. The test helps you find whether you have common passive aggressive traits. By understanding what these traits are – and if you use them or not – you’ll understand the reason they are part of your personality, and correct them. Perhaps you are already familiar with it, so it's OK.

Next, we introduce a user-friendly book, "The Silent Marriage Solution: How stopping passive aggression improves your relationship, and makes your marriage stronger"

It features a detailed framework to better understand passive aggressive traits, why they manifest, and how to correct them. This is the core of our program. It has practical applications of each concept and are easy to read and understand. No psychology classes or dictionaries required!

To complement the learning, we’ve included a helpful workbook, “The Essential Workbook to The Silent Marriage Solution: How stopping passive aggression improves your relationship, and makes your marriage stronger.” This powerful tool reinforces key concepts at the end of each chapter and applies what you’ve learned to your own everyday situations. For certain exercises, you will even be personally guided by your coach.

Finally, we’ll work directly with you, one-on-one in a personalized coaching session. Here we illuminate the core concepts of the program, apply them to your own history and personal situations, and produce a plan that will change your life and relationship forever.


Remember, the peace of your marriage awaits. The sooner you start this proven program, “The 4 Steps to Free your Marriage from Passive Aggression,” the sooner you put real marital misery in the past.

Don’t let passive aggression stop you and your partner from having the marriage and home life you’ve always dreamed of having: peaceful and respectful for you, and emotionally satisfying for your wife. Get in touch with us today for what you can do!
With much appreciation,

Neil Warner
Tel: (1) 954 607 2183
PS: Want to discuss how to get this kind of results?
Book your free 30’ coaching session today.

P.S. I understand that it might be scary for you to take the first step by clicking on our link – because it means you admit you want more from your marriage. As in more communication, more understanding, more JOY! I hear you. And by clicking on the link you can put yourself on a path to a happier marriage and more joyful life. And who doesn’t deserve that?! Besides, you have a full 30 days warranty covering your program!

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What kind of transformation do we offer?

Here is a short version of the model for transforming passive aggression into a loving, responsive partnership. First, we need to share with you this basic proposition:

Couple arguing at table

Couple arguing at table

There is a strong connection between personal history and present behavior, more precisely how the old attachment to the first love figure (aka "mother") is shaping our love connections now;

In short: being unable to communicate in a positive way with his wife, happens not due to bad intentions now, but it happens when men use an outdated protective system that developed to protect against excessive parent’s control or interference in their childhood.


Men need to:
-Identify when and with whom they developed in their childhood this “communication shield” expressed as interpersonal passive aggression.
-Locate the feelings attached to that control childhood situation, and release them;
-Separate the way he regards his wife from the way he regarded his mother/caretaker in the past. Learning how to separate the two is crucial.
-Re-learn to frame interactions with his wife in a new, appreciative, positive way.
-Learn and use a new repertoire of connection phrases (delivered by us) to foster interaction in a positive leader way; 

CASE EXAMPLE: (Managing a very personal "PA SHIELD")

1.- Taking personal responsibility for the hurtful impact of doing some reactive behaviors on the relationship;
2.- Searching for and identification of past old anger, and discovering how he created the "passive aggressive shield" as a defense against parent's control;
3.- Learn to separate anger and resistance against parents, (which produced the shield) from emotions generated here and now in the marriage;
4. Understand how his use of the "PA shield" now produces counterproductive results with his wife;
5. Grasp the connection between protecting his own isolation (needed to be able to work) with generating feelings of abandonment in his wife, which then reacts with her own controlling behavior;
6. George experiences demands for company from his wife as suffocating control, and reacts by isolating himself more, (as in the “PA shield”)
7. The solution for control is not more isolation, but the opposite: open up the "PA shield", trust the relationship and learn to share time and projects.
8. Now, his wife's request for company will be framed as a legitimate search for love and connection (not control) and solved doing shared activities/projects.
9. Both need to be able to negotiate better their reciprocal needs: (George's need for space to create, and his wife's need for company) and to confront each other using Fair Fighting techniques;
10. Keep a routine of maintenance of connection: schedule conversations about home issues, schedule dates and have a clear idea of the time they need to have together.


Here is an outline of all the typical roadblocks and barriers that men have to overcome on their way to achieving such transformation process.

FIRST ROADBLOCK: long-term denial of the behavior done to others, because using the “passive aggression shield” feels “normal.” (He can say:  "I'm not passive, it's the way I was brought up)"  (the Passive Aggressive Test helps here)

SECOND ROADBLOCK: resistance to accept his own responsibility for the hurt he does (is not that "she provokes him"; he does PA behavior because it is the only response he knows from his past.)

THIRD ROADBLOCK: refusing to accept hidden, past anger and to deal with the baggage of negative emotions linked to the origin of  “passive aggression shield” back in childhood.

FOURTH ROADBLOCK: resistance to learn and adopt softer interactive behaviors (e.g. Reflective listening as not being “manly behavior”); or not having the skills to do them;

FIFTH ROADBLOCK: Wanting to use good communication skills but sheer ignorance of how to do, what to say, and how to confront with love.  (Our list of phrases helps here)

Do you want our help? The first step is to take the Free Passive Aggression Test, here:

This connection between attachment and actual behavior is backed by solid psychological research, as in the book: “Attached: New Science of Adult Attachment,” by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller.

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How to Stop Passive Aggressive Behaviors

Isolated portrait of a senior businessman. Cheerful and in a suit.

Isolated portrait of a self-assured man.

Do you want to learn how to stop your own passive aggressive behavior? Perhaps you’re just now realizing how much your past marriage struggles have had to do with your own behavior, (after taking the PA Test?) or perhaps you've come to terms with the fact that you need help stopping some action that you didn't even know you were doing.

There are many sites that tell husbands how to identify their behavior and actions, and many sites that help wives identify it, too. You can even find internet resources for why passive aggression exists in the first place. However, very few resources help you, as the passive aggressive man, understand how to STOP your behavior. It’s like learning how a bomb is made, but not learning how to turn it off in time to save the world!
Your reasons for changing are your own, but the first step in your healing process is to accept the past and move forward. Don’t be beaten down by guilt or anger at how your passive aggression has hurt the marriage - focus on what you can actively do TODAY to change your life TOMORROW. So where do you start? What are your options? How can you change your behavior instead of just coping with it?
The best place to start with your own self and your own story:
Yes, you may have read a lot online about why passive aggressive people behave the way they do... in general. You need to look closer at yourself and see where your past pain lies. For some, this may mean some hard (but necessary) sessions with a professional grief or abuse counselor. Your past pain will often dictate how you react: so if you understand your past pain, you can almost predict which situations are going to set you off! Begin compiling knowledge about your “trigger” situations, and start thinking now about the bad and good ways of handling the emotions that surround that situation.
Need some help? Let’s look at an example of a reaction:
You realize that in your interactions with your wife, you often remember something one way, while she swears you did or said something another way. If you know that a common passive aggressive behavior is to defend, deny and rationalize, you’re on the right track to getting to know yourself better. In what ways might, say, last week’s interaction be a case of you rationalizing an event? A good sign of you doing this is that you don’t actually remember what happened, only what you suppose happened, based on “This is how I would act.”
Need more help identifying basic passive aggressive behaviors, and applying them to your situation? You can find all the information you need in our system, called “The 4 Steps to FREE Your Marriage of Passive Aggression”! You won’t just learn about how and why you act passive aggressively, but how to use that knowledge to STOP your passive aggression once and for all.
Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I'm the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don't have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!
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Why Men Don’t Get Their Needs Met

Fotolia_9267128_S.jpgman's needs

Looking at how can a man mature inside a relationship, we got curious about a situation you might recognize:
Why is it that now so many older women are leaving their marriage past mid-life?

Or why is the job of women to perform the couple's emotional management and when they get fed up, ask for a divorce?

Looking at the basic misunderstandings between both sides of a couple, the real divide called usually the "battle of the sexes..." is easy to see marriage as a deal where male and female can identify and try to get satisfaction to their human needs, counting with help from his/her partner.

Yes in theory, in life, there is always a difference:

We found that men are much more prone to ignore their own needs, thus getting more inclined to hidden frustrations and resentment when men don't get their needs met and later perhaps developing passive aggressive behaviors as the only way out.

The situation gets worse because this difference is completely ignored by women, and men give up fast trying to make her understand  his needs and so he resigns himself to a life of being not recognized, ignored and disrespected.

How do we get to this situation?

Among the steps that boys must pass through in their development into men there are two important lessons they must learn. The first of these is how to be aware of their mothers’ needs. This awareness is essential for him to be able to depend on her for the satisfaction of his needs. The second step is learning how to be upset about this dependency so to prepare for his future independence.

This permanent ambivalence between dependence and independence will cause the little boy oscillate between learning to be macho and be by himself (not “needing anyone”) and trying to learn how to connect with women. A man’s adult relationships revive the ambivalence he learned at his mother’s side: he is at ease with men, but needs somehow to manage the women in his life to feel completed.

This, then, is one of a man’s permanent developmental tasks: learning how to connect with other men, the world of male companionship, and the very different sphere of learning how to connect with women, traversing the interpersonal desert with his few skills to feel again respected and appreciated.

Here, the risk of not having the skills to connect is clear: the risk of inhabiting the unpleasant spaces of criticism, devaluation, rejection, and,  finally, isolation.

This ambivalence, generated by growing up as a male in the hands of his mother (a self-managing female, with perhaps a weak partner), produces anxiety and insecurity. The man is trained to depend on the next female in his life, his wife, to manage this insecurity. But he can’t reveal a word of this quandary:

  • How can a man admit his insecurity, when he has to project utter self-confidence to woo her?
  • How is he to share his basic anxiety if his prospective mate will be scared to death in the light of such revelations?

Thus, he has to carry on and feel like an impostor, ready to be discovered as a fake, and soon. Insecure, unacknowledged and emotionally torn. What is the worst part of this situation? That the wife doesn’t know a thing about this male predicament. She ignores how and when she is stressing him by making him feel "not good enough" over and over again....

Meanwhile, she has her own agenda. Instead of carefully listening to what her husband says, doesn’t say, or tries to say in a cryptic way, in her desperation for answers to marital conflicts, she listens to relationship experts who tell her "the characteristics of a bad husband and how to change him."

For the man this is just more of the same, “You aren’t good enough!”

Are you interested in getting more respect to your personal needs?

Do you feel gradually disrespected in public and at home?

Would you like to know how to reposition yourself and recover the power and respect you want to have?


Please, look for the "Man's Brain Missing Manual"...See you there!


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Help, My Wife Says I’m Passive Aggressive!

Im Passive Aggressive, according to my wife...I was reluctant to accept this, but she has read so many books and finally convinced me. Now I need to begin talking to her and sharing what I think....

Click here to take the Passive Aggressive Behavior Test


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Sad Letter From a Fed Up Wife

fed up wife

Do you have a fed up wife at home?

"I left my husband after 25 years of marriage due to him being PA. His behaviour had escalated out of all control until eventually the last 12 weeks of living together became almost unbearable for both me and our two teenage children. I did sit him down and explain how his behaviour was having a very bad impact on all family members and told him that I would be leaving within a few days. His answer to that was 'do as you want'!

I just could not stand the constant silent treatment, the stonewalling when I tried to express my worries and concerns, the Jekyl and Hide mood swings, the witholding of love and affection and what appeared to be outright rebelliousness like that of a 16 year old juvenile delinquent. He avoids confrontation with just about every human being he comes across. Work, family, friends, the lot. He avoids phone calls, he avoids any form of communication at all and when friends and family have visited he would sit in front of the tv and turn the volume up to max in order to drown their voices out. They would leave eventually feeling rejected, disappointed and completely disrespected and I would be left feeling really embarrassed for his behaviour. Our children were mortified at some of the things he did.

When I did leave, after making him quite aware of my intentions he had a nervous breakdown. He begged for forgiveness and told me how he was considering taking his own life because of me abandoning him. He convinced me that we should go to marriage guidance, which we did but even there he avoided any conversations. I didn't realize how good he really was at evading things, changing the subject and railroading any conversation so that we ended up discussing anything else but the topic we had started talking about. He is desperate for me and the kids to return home but I can't and won't because I don't see that much of a change in him. I will give him his dues, he brings me flowers every week, he sends me text messages full of romance and protestations of love but is it enough? I don't think so. When I have tried to speak to him recently about my feelings he is still shutting down and closing himself off using sentences like 'My heart tells me to let you go and find someone that can treat you the way you deserve to be treated but my heart wont allow me to do that because it would break in two if I ever thought you loved someone else'! and 'I don't know I am doing the things you say I am doing'!

'Do we really need to talk about my behavior and how it makes you feel, if you have a problem with me then keep it to yourself and dont burden me with it'!

My question is how do I get him to actually sit and listen? How do I get him to see that his PA behavior and the way he is unable to manage it is affecting his everyday life, relationships at work and with his immediate family? He has lost one job already because his answer to a demanding bosses request is to ring in sick just when the boss is expecting him to give his all during a busy period then tells the boss he is under so much stress at home it made him ill. He avoids taking any responsibility for his elderly mother and tells his whole family its because I keep him far too busy and don't approve of him visiting his own family. He actually uses me to cover for his inadequacies.

Since I left he is now in a financial bind. He has not managed his money well at all and has resorted to gambling and excessive tv watching to avoid dealing with the problems he has. He blames me leaving for the situation he is in.

Is there anything I can do at all for this man. I am starting individual therapy this week and hope this is going to help me personally.

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated."

Our reply:

So sorry to hear about your family's situation! Even when you are coming out of sheer misery and pain, you still have a long way to go....

My new ebook proposes a new understanding of the deep psychology of passive aggression... what I've found is that for some men, having experienced some childhood abuse or molestation is enough to keep them in the "Wounded Inner Child" situation for life.

You don't say anything about your husband's past, but it looks to me as if he doesn't really understand what is required of him to function as a grown up man. As much as you claim, demand, require and chastise him, the less he can deliver.....

He is now a cornered child, failing at marriage and work, making bad financial decisions....because the part of his brain in charge of rational decision making is not working. Like the emotional empathy side also.

Whatever happened to him, he probably either doesn't remember (it has become a part of his unconscious mind) or he can't talk about that experience. Is this experience what shaped his mindset into one of mistrust and reactive defense against intimacy and trusting other person like you.

All this explanation is not enough for you finding a magical solution....I'm sorry to say that there is not one.

The point is:

He needs to acknowledge that he doesn't have the foggiest idea what being a mature husband is; he needs to reconcile with the idea that he is not understanding the depth of your frustration (getting married to a man and finding a rebellious teen?) and your pain because the loneliness he condemned you to.

He was only believing that he could catch up with flowers and gifts, but really his Wounded Inner Child needs healing before anything else. As now, he is resentful, but lost.

And, he needs to start a plan for growing up. Perhaps it will not happen in time to prevent this divorce, but it should happen so he can have a better life. As it is now, frustrating everybody around because he feels a failure inside is no joke!

Please, get your own copy of the movie "BIG" with Tom Hanks, and realize that he was as he is now from way before you met him. He needs serious help to start healing; he could start by taking the Passive Aggression Test and facing the degree of his resistance to a healthier relationship.

Now, while he blames you for the divorce he will not be ready to use outside help to change. And he really needs to get some evaluation and plan for change now, before he continues destroying his own world.

Sending you all my best.

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