What can we learn from Elliot Rodger’s Santa Barbara massacre?

The atrocity of Elliot Rodger’s mass murder in Santa Barbara has left our society in shock and pain. Even if we can put this incident as the actions of a sick mind, that will not help us to understand this basic question:

How can a young, intelligent young man justify such atrocity in his mind?

Reading the digital trails left by Elliot Rodger describing his longing for love and connection needs we can start to understand the destructive power of “rotting in loneliness for all these years.”

“All those popular kids who live such lives of hedonistic pleasures while I’ve had to rot in loneliness for all these years. They’ve all looked down upon me every time I tried to go out and join them, they’ve all treated me like a mouse. “

To understand his frustration, originated by the lack of social skills necessary to help him connect with girls, we need  to hear his voice describing his retribution day:

“You’ve forced me to suffer all my life and now I’ll force you all suffer. I’ve waited a long time for this. I’ll give you exactly what you deserve. All of you. All you girls who rejected me and looked down upon me and you know, treated me like scum while you gave yourselves to other men. And all of you men, for living a better life than me, all of you sexually active men, I hate you. I hate all of you. I can’t wait to give you exactly what you deserve. Utter annihilation.”

Why he thinks that retribution and tit for tat is the right answer?

Being 11, Elliot became more and more attached to online gaming, (being introduced to them by his father), which he played with a few friends, and focuses a great deal of his time and energy on this. As a young adult, he was immerse in the “games” culture;  A culture where the  interaction schema revolves around escalating disputes more and more…And where the natural closure of the game is winning by eliminating any other player..

Let’s recover a bit of human needs theory:

We all human beings have vital needs that demand the cooperation of others to satisfy. Without others’ help we cannot survive, develop and grow into independent adults.

Through the vehicle of necessary interpersonal relationships, these human needs are expressed and satisfied. Of course, sex and love are important part of those needs. In this graphic you can see the needs and how they build up on each other…

Elliot Rodger had a family, so he survived childhood and felt important and loved by his parents. This was the basic attitude to build up feeling loved and connected with others later.

Why the connection with others, in this case his future sexual companions, was important? because growth as an adult person needs the interchange of actions and messages between people to cover all the basic needs.

In this way, consensual sex is an agreement by which both sides cooperate in getting their connection needs solved, and marriage becomes an alliance between two people who agree to support each other in the fulfillment of these basic needs, so they can develop completely into adulthood.

Human Needs Chart

In other words, we can understand different levels of human needs describing different human situations like the following ones:

humanneedspyramid

  1. We need many social connections, (variety) some of which are closer than others. We need to matter to others, be approved by and be held in high esteem by others.
  2. We need one significant, permanent and loving partner. If  we do not find one, we will have a deep craving and sense of something missing – even if we banish these feelings from our consciousness and refuse to acknowledge them – until we find such a partner.

For many people, some bonding needs are going unmet for long durations. This state of chronically unmet bonding needs can feel “normal.” or an acceptable fact of life… He or she may rationalize it as an aversion to sex, ineptitude at or disinterest in relationships. In other words, he or she experiences relationship pain but accepting somehow the responsibility for this frustration.

This need for sexual connection is taken to the extremes in Elliot Rodger’s “retribution story of chronically unmet bonding needs.” For Elliot Rodger, life in this aspect never felt  “normal”. He was sure that something was wrong. He never got to believe that he rejected  sex, or that he was disinterest in relationships, because he knew he was suffering because not being able to connect sexually.

The big difference with Elliot Rodger is that he can’t see anything wrong in himself, but blames the world of young women around him, “giving themselves to unsavoury candidates but ignoring him,” as the cause of his frustration and loneliness. I wonder if his therapists  pointed anytime to what he could do to change his situation and make more clear advances towards girls. It looks like he never learned the skills to connect with girls, how to be adventurous, or aggressive or timid but seductive with the girls around him.

Why did he come to believe that in this “Game of Life,” the initiative was in the hands of others to break his isolation?

Perhaps gaming gave him the wrong idea of an interconnected magic universe where sooner or later someone would come to play with him. Or perhaps, having the external power of other magic wand of big money (winning the lottery) would help girls being attracted to him?

Whatever his mindset, there is a strong suggestion that he expected the external universe had to connect with him, deliver the love he longed for and make him complete:

“It has been very tortuous. College is the time when everyone experiences those things such as sex and fun and pleasure. Within those years, I’ve had to rot in loneliness. It’s not fair.”

The pain of sexual deprivation was felt as being isolated from humanity, rejected and alone:

“For the last eight years of my life, ever since I hit puberty, I’ve been forced to endure an existence of loneliness, rejection and unfulfilled desires all because girls have never been attracted to me. Girls gave their affection, and sex and love to other men but never to me.”

As all boys, he needed both to learn how to connect with other men, the world of male companionship, and the very different sphere of learning how to connect with women, using relational skills to feel valued and appreciated.

In short, he ends up seeing himself as the loser in a world where other men get their sexual needs solved and all girls rejected him.

  1. Magical thinking or expecting satisfaction from others without asking
  2. Asking for love and sex from others is felt as a humiliation
  3. He suffers loneliness leading to anger and to retribution fantasies

What makes of this a truly American tragedy, is that due to his access to guns, Elliot Rodger goes from feelings of devaluation, rejection, isolation, to imagining his violent reaction to a frustrating world,  to finally exacting his “retribution,” against the world that has frustrated him by going into a killing spree.

“Well, this is my last video, it has all had to come to this. Tomorrow is the day of retribution, the day in which I will have my revenge against humanity, against all of you.”

Isolated and frustrated young men are not new; what is new is the connection with armed “retribution” against loneliness….we live in such an interconnected world that deprivation of basic human needs as sex are felt as a global attack against oneself.  The power of unmet human needs is real here.

What can be done to prevent this kind of tragedy?

  • We need to be sure that we build emotional connections; that we care for each other in such a way we teach young people not only how to man a computer game but also how to express and share basic human needs language. We need to avoid bullying and all other ways of rejecting and ostracizing young people.
  • That hungers of the heart for love and connection are to be acknowledged and solved in everyday life; that we can’t ignore some kids’ starvation from connection because it kills others that are not directly responsible for this starvation.
  • In a sense, we all have to take care of teaching our youngsters how to connect and relate to each other in an appreciative way, in such a way we nurture each other sense of self.

 

Nora Femenia, Ph.D. is the author of the book The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband, a field guide for women that have to deal with passive aggression in their partners.

Nora also posts regularly to her blog http://passiveaggressivehusband.com

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Why Men Don’t Get Their Needs Met

Fotolia_9267128_S.jpgman's needs

Looking at how can a man mature inside a relationship, we got curious about a situation you might recognize:
Why is it that now so many older women are leaving their marriage past mid-life?

Or why is the job of women to perform the couple’s emotional management and when they get fed up, ask for a divorce?

Looking at the basic misunderstandings between both sides of a couple, the real divide called usually the “battle of the sexes…” is easy to see marriage as a deal where male and female can identify and try to get satisfaction to their human needs, counting with help from his/her partner.

Yes in theory, in life, there is always a difference:

We found that men are much more prone to ignore their own needs, thus getting more inclined to hidden frustrations and resentment when men don’t get their needs met and later perhaps developing passive aggressive behaviors as the only way out.

The situation gets worse because this difference is completely ignored by women, and men give up fast trying to make her understand  his needs and so he resigns himself to a life of being not recognized, ignored and disrespected.

How do we get to this situation?

Among the steps that boys must pass through in their development into men there are two important lessons they must learn. The first of these is how to be aware of their mothers’ needs. This awareness is essential for him to be able to depend on her for the satisfaction of his needs. The second step is learning how to be upset about this dependency so to prepare for his future independence.

This permanent ambivalence between dependence and independence will cause the little boy oscillate between learning to be macho and be by himself (not “needing anyone”) and trying to learn how to connect with women. A man’s adult relationships revive the ambivalence he learned at his mother’s side: he is at ease with men, but needs somehow to manage the women in his life to feel completed.

This, then, is one of a man’s permanent developmental tasks: learning how to connect with other men, the world of male companionship, and the very different sphere of learning how to connect with women, traversing the interpersonal desert with his few skills to feel again respected and appreciated.

Here, the risk of not having the skills to connect is clear: the risk of inhabiting the unpleasant spaces of criticism, devaluation, rejection, and,  finally, isolation.

This ambivalence, generated by growing up as a male in the hands of his mother (a self-managing female, with perhaps a weak partner), produces anxiety and insecurity. The man is trained to depend on the next female in his life, his wife, to manage this insecurity. But he can’t reveal a word of this quandary:

  • How can a man admit his insecurity, when he has to project utter self-confidence to woo her?
  • How is he to share his basic anxiety if his prospective mate will be scared to death in the light of such revelations?

Thus, he has to carry on and feel like an impostor, ready to be discovered as a fake, and soon. Insecure, unacknowledged and emotionally torn. What is the worst part of this situation? That the wife doesn’t know a thing about this male predicament. She ignores how and when she is stressing him by making him feel “not good enough” over and over again….

Meanwhile, she has her own agenda. Instead of carefully listening to what her husband says, doesn’t say, or tries to say in a cryptic way, in her desperation for answers to marital conflicts, she listens to relationship experts who tell her “the characteristics of a bad husband and how to change him.”

For the man this is just more of the same, “You aren’t good enough!”

Are you interested in getting more respect to your personal needs?

Do you feel gradually disrespected in public and at home?

Would you like to know how to reposition yourself and recover the power and respect you want to have?

 

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What are the Results You Would Like to Have NOW

Dear Friend,

I’m working a a new book, and I need your help to figure out how much importance you give to certain issues.

Can I use five minutes of your time?

This is a list of five questions, only….no big sweat, but important for my work.

Thanks a lot!

Here is the survey:

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How to Stop Being Passive Aggressive

Do you want to learn how to stop your own passive aggressive behavior? Perhaps you’re just now realizing that your past marriage struggles have had to do with your own behavior, or perhaps you’ve come to terms with the fact that you need help stopping some action that you didn’t even know you were doing.
There are many sites that tell husbands how to identify their behavior and actions, and many sites that help wives identify it, too. You can even find internet resources for why passive aggression exists in the first place. However, very few resources help you, as the passive aggressive man, understand how to STOP your behavior. It’s like learning how a bomb is made, but not learning how to turn it off in time to save the world!
Your reasons for changing are your own, but the first step in your healing process is to accept the past and move forward. Don’t be beaten down by guilt or anger at how your passive aggression has hurt the marriage – focus on what you can actively do TODAY to change your life TOMORROW. So where do you start? What are your options? How can you change your behavior instead of just coping with it?
The best place to start with your own self and your own story:
Yes, you may have read a lot online about why passive aggressive people behave the way they do… in general. You need to look closer at yourself and see where your past pain lies. For some, this may mean some hard (but necessary) sessions with a professional grief or abuse counselor. Your past pain will often dictate how you react: so if you understand your past pain, you can almost predict which situations are going to set you off! Begin compiling knowledge about your “trigger” situations, and start thinking now about the bad and good ways of handling the emotions that surround that situation.
Need some help? Let’s look at an example of a reaction:
You realize that in your interactions with your wife, you often remember something one way, while she swears you did or said something another way. If you know that a common passive aggressive behavior is to defend, deny and rationalize, you’re on the right track to getting to know yourself better. In what ways might, say, last week’s interaction be a case of you rationalizing an event? A good sign of you doing this is that you don’t actually remember what happened, only what you suppose happened, based on “This is how I would act.”
Need more help identifying basic passive aggressive behaviors, and applying them to your situation? You can find all the information you need in our system, called “The Six Step System to Stop Your Passive Aggression and Save Your Marriage!” You won’t just learn about how and why you act passive aggressively, but how to use that knowledge to STOP your passive aggression once and for all.
Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!
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Are you a passive aggressive man?

serious man

Have you been told that you are a passive aggressive man?

Some men acting with passive aggressive behaviors are also emotionally unavailable because are trapped in a childhood situation They grew up without lots of emotional expressions, never learned to use them, and now, dealing with a wife, are often accused of doing it intentionally…

Of course, it is not because they don’t want to be expressive! It is because they never learned how to be! Or rejected open expressions of love because the environment classified those expressions as “sissified” and “not manly.”

Perhaps you are under the constant claims of your wife, who feels lonely, not appreciated and left isolated by your silence? Or are you damaging the relationship by keeping important issues like finances out of the sharing with her?

Well, it’s time to grow up…Normal, healthy people are not afraid of sharing and expressing love. If you are ready to take the jump and reach out of your self-created cave, there are ways to do it…

  • Lose your shame; you will love to be married and happy;
  • Forget the childhood labels: this is not “being sissy”
  • You know that you yourself feel starved also…

Needing help? Here is a Coaching Session Offer to help you have a behavioral change map to follow. Enjoy!

 

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Couples do Relationship Repair with a Quick Solution That Works

relationship repair

Are you needing a bit of relationship repair in your marriage?

Creative Conflict Resolutions, a conflict resolution group that focuses on troubled marriages, has now released a brand-new 4 week program that helps couples resolve debilitating issues quickly, before the marriage reaches breaking point. The program is completely free, and is called “Relationships Repair Month.”

After registering for free access to the program, members will be able to read and discuss content that is uploaded. The content varies for each week in the program, with helpful books, PDFs, presentations and other media to help illustrate what Creative Conflict Resolutions feel are the “key” relationship concepts every couple should understand. Members can then participate on the online forum with both conflict resolution experts and other members themselves.

Neil Warner, the co-owner of Creative Conflict Resolutions, is excited to see how many positive responses the program has already received. “Conflict in relationships is a big problem,” said Warner, “but not because conflict is a problem. It’s because couples don’t know how to deal with it.” With their new “Relationships Repair Month” program, Creative Conflict Resolutions aims to teach couples new, positive ways of handling conflict, so that the relationship can improve instead of stagnating.

“Relationships Repair Month” is free and available for any person and/or couple wishing to find immediate relationship help. It can be found at Relationships Repair Month.

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Help, My Wife Says Im Passive Aggressive!

Im Passive Aggressive, according to my wife…I was reluctant to accept this, but she has read so many books and finally convinced me. Now I need to begin talking to her and sharing what I think….

Click here to take the Passive Aggressive Behavior Test

 

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Sad Letter From a Fed Up Wife

fed up wife

Do you have a fed up wife at home?

“I left my husband after 25 years of marriage due to him being PA. His behaviour had escalated out of all control until eventually the last 12 weeks of living together became almost unbearable for both me and our two teenage children. I did sit him down and explain how his behaviour was having a very bad impact on all family members and told him that I would be leaving within a few days. His answer to that was ‘do as you want’!

I just could not stand the constant silent treatment, the stonewalling when I tried to express my worries and concerns, the Jekyl and Hide mood swings, the witholding of love and affection and what appeared to be outright rebelliousness like that of a 16 year old juvenile delinquent. He avoids confrontation with just about every human being he comes across. Work, family, friends, the lot. He avoids phone calls, he avoids any form of communication at all and when friends and family have visited he would sit in front of the tv and turn the volume up to max in order to drown their voices out. They would leave eventually feeling rejected, disappointed and completely disrespected and I would be left feeling really embarrassed for his behaviour. Our children were mortified at some of the things he did.

When I did leave, after making him quite aware of my intentions he had a nervous breakdown. He begged for forgiveness and told me how he was considering taking his own life because of me abandoning him. He convinced me that we should go to marriage guidance, which we did but even there he avoided any conversations. I didn’t realize how good he really was at evading things, changing the subject and railroading any conversation so that we ended up discussing anything else but the topic we had started talking about. He is desperate for me and the kids to return home but I can’t and won’t because I don’t see that much of a change in him. I will give him his dues, he brings me flowers every week, he sends me text messages full of romance and protestations of love but is it enough? I don’t think so. When I have tried to speak to him recently about my feelings he is still shutting down and closing himself off using sentences like ‘My heart tells me to let you go and find someone that can treat you the way you deserve to be treated but my heart wont allow me to do that because it would break in two if I ever thought you loved someone else’! and ‘I don’t know I am doing the things you say I am doing’!

‘Do we really need to talk about my behavior and how it makes you feel, if you have a problem with me then keep it to yourself and dont burden me with it’!

My question is how do I get him to actually sit and listen? How do I get him to see that his PA behavior and the way he is unable to manage it is affecting his everyday life, relationships at work and with his immediate family? He has lost one job already because his answer to a demanding bosses request is to ring in sick just when the boss is expecting him to give his all during a busy period then tells the boss he is under so much stress at home it made him ill. He avoids taking any responsibility for his elderly mother and tells his whole family its because I keep him far too busy and don’t approve of him visiting his own family. He actually uses me to cover for his inadequacies.

Since I left he is now in a financial bind. He has not managed his money well at all and has resorted to gambling and excessive tv watching to avoid dealing with the problems he has. He blames me leaving for the situation he is in.

Is there anything I can do at all for this man. I am starting individual therapy this week and hope this is going to help me personally.

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.”

Our reply:

So sorry to hear about your family’s situation! Even when you are coming out of sheer misery and pain, you still have a long way to go….

My new ebook proposes a new understanding of the deep psychology of passive aggression… what I’ve found is that for some men, having experienced some childhood abuse or molestation is enough to keep them in the “Wounded Inner Child” situation for life.

You don’t say anything about your husband’s past, but it looks to me as if he doesn’t really understand what is required of him to function as a grown up man. As much as you claim, demand, require and chastise him, the less he can deliver…..

He is now a cornered child, failing at marriage and work, making bad financial decisions….because the part of his brain in charge of rational decision making is not working. Like the emotional empathy side also.

Whatever happened to him, he probably either doesn’t remember (it has become a part of his unconscious mind) or he can’t talk about that experience. Is this experience what shaped his mindset into one of mistrust and reactive defense against intimacy and trusting other person like you.

All this explanation is not enough for you finding a magical solution….I’m sorry to say that there is not one.

The point is:

He needs to acknowledge that he doesn’t have the foggiest idea what being a mature husband is; he needs to reconcile with the idea that he is not understanding the depth of your frustration (getting married to a man and finding a rebellious teen?) and your pain because the loneliness he condemned you to.

He was only believing that he could catch up with flowers and gifts, but really his Wounded Inner Child needs healing before anything else. As now, he is resentful, but lost.

And, he needs to start a plan for growing up. Perhaps it will not happen in time to prevent this divorce, but it should happen so he can have a better life. As it is now, frustrating everybody around because he feels a failure inside is no joke!

Please, get your own copy of the movie “BIG” with Tom Hanks, and realize that he was as he is now from way before you met him. He needs serious help to start healing; he could start by taking the Passive Aggression Test and facing the degree of his resistance to a healthier relationship.

Now, while he blames you for the divorce he will not be ready to use outside help to change. And he really needs to get some evaluation and plan for change now, before he continues destroying his own world.

Sending you all my best.

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Passive Aggression: Is This the Void In Your Relationship?

Is passive aggression the hidden hurt in your relationship?

Some households are not as happy as they could be. There is conflict on various emotional, verbal, perhaps physical levels. What behavior is causing these conflicts? Perhaps you think of yourself as the normal one, but your partner often complains about you, and you often think her as overly dramatic and emotional.

It’s understandable that these fights put you off. You may sit and listen but in your head you are wondering how much longer this fight will take, and you may ask yourself, “Why am I still letting myself stay in this situation, where I’m not wanted?”

passive aggression

What if there’s more here than meets the eye? What if it’s not that she doesn’t want you, but that she’s trying to make you understand something important, something that may either save or break the marriage? Is she worth staying and finding out for?

The common law of physics is that every action has an equal and opposition reaction. The same is true of relationships. Your wife’s reaction to you has been caused by an action that you did somewhere along the line, and the other way around.

Do you usually say to yourself “What I am doing here” when things get bad? If your wife becomes loud and defiant or demands apologies from you, do you feel that she has no right to speak to you that way?

Are you often impatient to get the conversation over with so that you can do what you think is best for both of you? Does your wife often say that you don’t understand her, that you don’t care about her feelings?

All of these things contribute to the widening gap between you and your wife. The days when the two of you could have a relaxing, enjoyable time at home together are fading.

How about answering this: what is really causing this gap between the two of you? Why are you drifting further apart? What is at stake?

Listen:

“For a long time, I was avoiding confrontation with my wife. She was so aggressive in telling me everything I did wrong that it made me feel like I’m not good enough for anything. Who wants to listen to that? Every fight we were in made me feel more isolated, more unwanted, more of a disappointment to her.

I found myself wishing she wouldn’t get so angry. I wished she could lovingly tell me that I hurt her, that she would know for sure that I didn’t mean any harm. I wished that she could show me that I hurt her in a way that made me want to change my behavior. Instead, she said it in a way that made me rationalize my behavior & protect myself from her vocal disappointment.

It’s different now.

One night I was by myself, going over our fight in my head, and I did a search on “passive aggressive.” This is what she was always calling me, and it was driving me crazy! I found this site, and instead of explaining to me why I should believe my wife, this little test was there to say: “Find out by yourself.”

I was amazed at how everything changed after that. Suddenly, a personalized solution for us as a couple was in our hands. For years, I’ve been silently struggling to find a way of living that makes us both feel safe and secure in the relationship; not in danger of losing each other, as I used to feel.

I’m learning now how to do these things, and home feels safer and happier because of it.”

- Alan G., Ontario

Are you ready to find out the truth about this gap, the one your wife says is caused by passive aggression? Find out for yourself, like Alan did, by visiting our Passive Aggression Test here. Save your marriage today!

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

We can begin by you being invited to visit Conflict Coach to receive a complimentary consultation, followed with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Is Passive Aggressive Behaviour Wrecking Your Relationship?

Are you being told that your passive aggressive behaviour is damaging your relationship?

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Test.

Now that you know where you are, your next question for yourself is probably this: “Why am I here?”

In your opinion, you are an honest husband who always tries to do what is best for your wife and family. You treat them well, provide for them what they need, try to teach them the right ways of doing things.

So, why is your wife still complaining about you? Does she often say things like:

  • Stop being so passive aggressive
  • You’re trying to sabotage my projects
  • You don’t include me in the household finances/decision-making
  • You always put me down in front of our family and friends

Perhaps your wife often blames and reproaches you for events in the marriage’s past that you feel you had no big part in. Why would she be bringing up these old things, or keep using them against you? Is she just being controlling, or is there a point underneath it all?

Sometimes it is difficult for us to understand our partners – we’re all only human, after all. The most common cause of frustration during conflict is either a) feeling like you didn’t do something you’re being accused of or b) feeling like you’ve fulfilled something you’re accused of not doing enough of.

Why is your wife making this noise about your supposed passive aggression, or about hurting her deeply – when all you are trying to do is make her happy? Is there any reason to stick around if she can’t be pleased? Well, who can understand women, right?

Even now she is pushing you into therapy or coaching because she says you are too sullen, depressed, and angry about small things, but she can’t talk to you about your marriage big problems. Does she think she needs a professional to ask you to open up and say what you think? What are you supposed to do with her move now?

If you’re not willing to go to therapy because you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, or because you feel you can’t trust anybody’s word at this point, we understand. We know that at this point, you feel like your situation is building momentum, heading for disaster as surely as a runaway train is about to derail.

That’s why we offer our free, fast test so that you can decide for yourself where you stand. Find out if it is true that you use passive aggression in your family! You don’t need to pay someone in a therapist’s office – you can find answers and solutions right now.

Visit our Passive Aggression Test here, get your profile, and with that tool in your hands stop your marriage from derailing off the tracks.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you visiting Conflict Coach and having a complimentary consultation, followed with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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