HERE IS THE TESTIMONIAL BY JIM, A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE HUSBAND
When I first spoke with Nora, I was near bottom... I had tried my heart out to please my wife, at least I thought I had. It seemed as though our natural position was that of confrontation. All I wanted was peace & quiet. It shouldn't be this hard, I thought. If my wife would only lighten up & try a little harder to just get along, everything would be OK.
Nora refused to be whitewashed by my smooth deliveries. She saw through me. Nora refused to go along with the 'poor little old me' facade that I had lived with & executed to perfection forever.
Slowly but effectively, Nora was able to show me in a way that I understood & wanted to incorporate in my relationship with my wife that my passive aggressive behavior had done a great deal of damage. I needed to accept responsibility for my 50% of the problem. [Even after starting down this new path, at times, I couldn't help but fall back on old patterns.] More than just recognizing my part, I needed to apologize for how I conducted myself & then lo & behold if Nora didn't show me that I had repair work to do after that. I had never considered that repair work was in my pile... whenever I hurt my wife, it was never intentional. I always thought that if it wasn't intentional, it wasn't really my fault & that, in fact, it was no big deal & that my wife should just let it go as easily as I was willing to.
Now that I am armed with a much better understanding, I recognize that when my wife hurts, I'm disappointed that how I've conducted myself has caused her harm. Sometimes I need a little time to get past my denial & come to terms with my mistake but even before that, if I can't put it together, I can still apologize for the hurt I've caused. Doing something that validates my apology [the repair part] is now so much easier. I am convinced myself so I am far more convincing to my wife.
Nora told me how it's not possible to change anybody else.... but it is possible to change how I treat that somebody else. When I change how I treat that someone, it is impossible for them to continue to treat me the same as they used to.
Thank you, Nora... so much... you have given me a chance to make a different life... a happy one... inside of a loving relationship with my wife!
THIS IS THE SPONTANEOUS TESTIMONIAL OF JIM'S WIFE....
It is with a grateful heart that I am happy to send a round of applause to you and your persistent, consistent methods of steering my husband in a direction that is leading to new growth in our relationship.
From my point of view, there are few PA men that are genuinely ready to embark on the difficult journey of self awareness and mend their ways. For those brave men who reach that point, there is almost no tangible help available to them. What is available is all the negative frustration we as partners are venting in an effort to stay sane enough to perhaps hold on for one more week, day or sometimes hour!
I was very skeptical when my husband actually began to exhibit sharing behavior because it was short-lived initially (as the pattern had been for years). I had to take a step back, too tired to go another round of hope followed by crushing disappointment.
The difference this time was he had a back-up plan – you! With a coach willing to hold him accountable, even though there were (and sometimes still are) lapses, my husband has made significant progress. That has encouraged me to once again step up my end of the deal to be a loving, giving and, in the future, trusting wife.
As we all know there is no answer that continues to work if we don’t work at it; but if you own the tools it’s possible to do the necessary repairs yourself.
Thank you for the gift of yourself in our lives.
A truly hopeful wife
AND THIS RECENT COMMENT:
I asked Nora for help at a critical moment. I am glad she was able to listen to me as anyone else had done before. She also spoke to me very straightforward, which usually is hard to get from friends or family members. I am glad she was able to help me see things as raw as they can be.
Now, from that moment, I keep working on everything I can realistically do now in this situation, but with more awareness and moving little by little towards more confidence and strength. I can handle more going in steps than trying to solve everything at the same time as I was overwhelming myself to do when I first spoke to Nora.
I still have to work a lot on myself, but having the opportunity to talk to Nora has been strikingly important event to be able to avoid paralysis and self-destruction.
Thank you so much, Nora, for your kindness and support. May your love for helping us return to you in the same way you help us.