Happy middle aged couple talking and lying on bed at home
How to break the silence and reconnect with her
This message reaches you at the right moment…when you know that you need to practice the right words to connect with your wife at a deeper level. It can teach you how to solve uncomfortable silent moments, keep a conversation going, and apply the right words and phrases to connect emotionally with her. We have divided here the skills by the milestones they help you achieve.
MILESTONE: Be able to TRULY communicate your thoughts and needs.
1- BREAKING YOUR SILENCE
If you find yourself being silent, and not wanting to start speaking to her yet
DO little things to reach out
DO little things to reach out:
- Prepare for her a cup of tea;
- Hand over some piece of chocolate;
- Get a chair near her and read besides her
- Touch her hand.
When you feel near to express yourself, ask for a conversation:
-Do you have a bit of time to talk?
-Care for a bit of conversation?
Say: “I’m teaching myself to share more of me. I know why I keep silent, and believe I can change that a bit. I invite you to call my attention when I’m gone into silence.”
Ask: Do you want to share with me what concerns you now?
THEN: Let her take the initiative. Don’t show anger, fear, indignation or other negative emotion. You are here only listening to her.
Instead, first LISTEN TO HER:
1.- Do reflective listening: Repeat her words, in this way:
It seems like you are upset when you don’t get an answer from me
What I hear you saying is that you feel lonely with me
It seems as if I’m invisible in this house
It feels as though I go back and forth, it is not enough for you to feel sharing a life with me
You are wondering if living by yourself would not be better than this time here together
I hear you saying that because I’m silent, you fear that I’m angry with you
Perhaps I can understand what you say as if my silence is a wall between the two
You need answers to make daily decisions, and feel that my silence leaves you abandoned.
After confirming that both are on the same page, and you understand, and accept the impact of silence on her life, then you move to ask:
What can we decide now together as a couple?
(only one decision is enough; don’t tackle heavy issues; get a shared decision, divide who will do what, and write this agreement on paper.)
2.- LEARN HOW TO EXPRESS ANGER AND FRUSTRATION:
Expressing anger
When you________ I feel____________ because_______.
When you share negative comments of me with your friends, I feel angry and rejected, because I have no other people friends than them.
Expressing frustration:
When you________ I feel____________ because_______.
When you make decisions as if I don’t exist, I feel frustrated because then I don’t know who I am for you.
3.- LEARN TO EXPRESS INTEREST/DESIRE
Learn how to say the things your woman loves
When you________ I feel____________ because_______.
When you push me to do things together, I feel connected and supported, because it feels good to do things with you.
When you________ I feel____________ because_______.
When you are patient with me and wait up until I can talk to you, I feel very grateful because you don’t leave me alone.
Learn to say these 10 expressions in your own words
I hear you
Tell me more
Can you explain again?
I lost the last idea, please say it again
No wonder I’m confused…you have such clarity in your ideas, and I’m just opening my mind.
This is my best for now; tomorrow I will listen better
If I forget again, please be patient…
3.- WAYS IN WHICH THE WIFE CAN HELP:
After they have an agreement about silence as a wall that needs to go down, and he reaffirms his willingness to learn to share with her:
3 THINGS SHE CAN SAY TO BRING HIM BACK:
- I will ask you now: “Care to share with me what worries you? Or is it that somehow you are upset with me? Either way, we can talk!”
- You have used already your ten minutes of silence of today…
- If I don’t hear from you, I will make the decision to go out, and live my life now. So, you have two choices to answer: are you upset with me, or are you worried by something?
IN BRIEF:
Don’t drop the ball!
You are in this relationship to connect.
Take upon yourself the task of keeping conversations moving.
Refrain from judging, criticizing or stopping her from sharing.
If you hear in silence, and manage to say some supportive words, or touch her kindly after she expresses herself, it is OK.
If you need to keep silent, tell her: “excuse me, I will sort my thoughts for a while…I’m not abandoning you, only clarifying things in my mind.”
And come back with a smile and an invitation to do a walk together…
Hope this collection of suggestions work! If you want your personal session, here is the link…you are welcome!
The Passive Aggressive Work Place