How to stop being passive aggressive?

Is  your next step in your own hands? Up until today, you have done everything right:

  • you began learning about the issue of passive aggression;
  • you then took the passive aggressive test;
  • you received your results with your degree of passive aggression;
  • and you keep asking yourself: what should I do now?
  • You want healing from passive aggression!

Now, you need to move into decision mood!

Does it happen to you that you feel trapped by the same repetitive situations in life? Constant fighting with your wife is one of the most commons, not a lot of fun, but it happens almost automatically, and when you less expect it… As the worst kind of action in life is inaction, if you are experiencing a long-term confrontation in your marriage, and it’s taking its toll, the time for action is now.

I work primarily with men who are at a crossroads in their marriage. For them, communication with their spouse has faltered. At the same time, the wife is pressing him about an issue that she feels needs urgent resolution. She pressures and prods him to accept and heal his passive aggression, only to cause him to feel accused, shut down and shut her out. Behavior on both sides keeps escalating into rejection and contempt, and the union is slowly dying.

You can hear often that: “You can only influence other person’s behavior if you change the way you treat her.” If you accept this axiom as true, then you could try to change your mindset and your approach to her claims, so her response to you becomes more appreciative and respectful. Here I offer you my coaching program to change difficult situations at home and provide more peace and respect.

WHAT THIS COACHING PROGRAM IS ABOUT:

When you immerse yourself in this pioneering program, you’ll begin walking on a structured path that will ultimately result in understanding the origins of your passive aggressive behaviors, learn and use better communication skills here and now with your wife, feel more comfortable expressing your true feelings, and enjoying your relationships more than ever before.

Following this program, you don’t just get Neil Warner’s books and self-study materials. I will work directly with you, one-on-one, using the phone or Skype, to illuminate the core concepts of the program, apply them to your own solutions, and help you permanently change your life and relationship for the better. In the first  50-minute coaching session, together we’ll…

  • Complete a self-assessment of your communication style.
  • Identify the origins of your mental models and current beliefs.
  • Ask questions to link your current beliefs and defenses to past experiences
  • Watch how old emotions create problems now, release them and learn positive tactics to face conflicts with ease.
  • Recognize when and how passive aggressive behaviors happen.

Your coaching sessions will be pressure free, relaxed and informative, with tasks of self-reflection to follow up. Many clients find that the first coaching session provides them with such a panoramic vision of their relationship dynamics that allows them to shift to a perspective they’ve never had before. The following sessions will be supported by immediate answers to your question, short phone calls or messaging by Whatsapp , so you will receive the necessary coaching just in time.

MY HEALTHIER MARRIAGE COACHING PROGRAM” INCLUDES:

YOUR PERSONAL COACHING SESSIONS:

Twice a month 50’ session where we will map your conflict, design a game plan, then list the steps necessary for you to do, and what results to expect. You will have to do your homework and compile questions for the next phone session.

The Book:

“Eliminating Passive Aggression: How to stop your wife’s complains and get your relationship working again, in 4 easy steps

Eliminating Passive Aggression Book

 The Book Includes

  • A detailed framework in four lessons to better understand passive aggressive traits, why they manifest, and how to correct them.
  • Revolutionary tools that work to produce steady, positive behavioral change.
  • Success stories of the men (and their happy wives!) that have used this model to change their lives and rescue their marriages.

How Does It Work?

This book explores how passive aggression starts in childhood as a useful defense mechanism and how you can correct it. The book contains practical applications of each concept, easy to read and understand. No psychology classes or dictionaries are required! It is your guide to understanding and changing your communication style from passive aggressive to a healthier form that will benefit both you and your wife.

Among other valuable skills, the book will give you…

  • Lessons to teach you how to stop the “silent treatment,” and other destructive habits
  • Personal and practical guidance to improve your relationships TODAY
  • Exercises that measure your progress and help you sharpen your new skills

The WorkBook:

“The Essential Workbook to Eliminating Passive Aggression”

The Book Includes

To maximize your benefits from the book, you will also receive the companion manual.  Use this powerful tool at the end of each book chapter to further reinforce key concepts and apply what you’ve learned to your own situations. The exercises in the workbook show you how the book’s lessons apply to everyday life. Use the workbook to gain valuable insight about past experiences and understand how those experiences have shaped the way you think in the present. For certain exercises (discovering the roots of hidden anger and discovering the past anger targets, for example), you will be personally guided by your coach. They will provide you with specific insights about your situation based on many of the answers and scenarios you create in your workbook. You can start healing your passive aggression now!

YOU WILL RECEIVE THE EXTRA HELP MANUAL: “Healing Words To Communicate Safely With Your Wife,”  that teaches you how to solve uncomfortable silent moments, keep a conversation going, and the right words and phrases to connect emotionally with women.

WHAT CAN YOU DO NOW? THE NEXT STEP IS IN YOUR HANDS!

Remember, the peace of your marriage awaits. The sooner you start this proven program, “MY HEALTHIER MARRIAGE COACHING PROGRAM,” the sooner you put real marital misery in the past.

Don’t let passive aggression stop you and your partner from having the marriage and home life you’ve always dreamed of having: peaceful and respectful for you, and emotionally satisfying for your wife. Get in touch with us today for what you can do!

With much appreciation,

Nora Femenia, Ph. D.
Tel: (1) 954 607 2183
PS: Want to discuss how to get this kind of results?
Book your free 30’ coaching session today.

P.S. I understand that it might be scary for you to take the first step by clicking on our link – because it means you accept you want more from your marriage. As in more communication, more understanding, more JOY! I hear you.  By having this free session with me,  you can put yourself on a path to a happier marriage and more joyful life. And who doesn’t deserve that?! Besides, you can end up with a new, more positive understanding of your situation that brings hope to your life!

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From Passive Aggression to Deeper Love

Do you wonder what does it take to go from passive aggression to deeper love?

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How a passive aggressive man hides from his partner?

If you have a passive aggressive man at your side, you know a lot about the ways he clams up and lets you be in solid silence. Why not? We all know that doing the silent treatment to your spouse is a very efficient way of processing difficult interactions…

Who wants to open up to any conversation about feelings, and all that sludge?

“Not me,” thinks this clear eyed man, and he immediately either changes the issue (what’s the weather like for tomorrow?) or resorts to a creative silence.

Silence? yes! not a pip, not a grunt, only coming and going, sleeping and eating in the most deafening silence you can imagine. Great protection shield against intruders.., right?

And the gap opened by his silence widens…how are you going to connect with him, if there are no words? Does he knows how hurtful is this cold shoulder?

Probably not. He is too busy looking ahead and ignoring your distress signals…waiting for the storm to pass by ignoring it. This is classical behavior of an immature boy scared of being abandoned by his love interest.

At this moment, is useful to talk about how to read people with insecure attachments:

If they were shaped by early childhood experiences in which they could not expect constant attention from their mother to solve such basic needs as eating, being held, soothed, and comforted, the model of human interaction they learn is: “Others can fail me and let me starve to death; is better not to trust, take care of your things yourself, and don’t let anybody get so near as to frustrate you.”

It is from this very primal model that your partner manages his world: he has only this restricted view of relationships to apply when adjusting and creating relationships with other people, including you.

The main point here is to make clear that passive aggressive behavior indicates an unhealthy personality, based on a childhood model of the world. If you really look at your partner using this frame, you will begin to see a child dealing with challenges he can’t manage (as the emotional demands of a grown up spouse) using his only and one strategy: retreat, ignore the issue, hide, clam up, withdraw into his cave.

And if you push him to deliver, you can get the whole gamut of his resistance/vengeance: negative, sarcastic comments and put downs, blaming “everyone but me,” promising but not delivering, and a wide variety of clever procrastination and sabotages to activities you want and he can’t enjoy.

If you are still dating this person, there is cause for you to pause and reflect on your own future. Do you want to raise this rebellious but needy child and include that heavy task for the rest of your life? If you are already married to him, can you find in yourself the strength to understand him and mange him in a way that doesn’t reject him, but doesn’t burdens you with his shenanigans?

Is a very difficult balance… The answer can depend on his own degree of awareness: if he can link his connection difficulties to his past childhood experience, and doesn’t consider his passive aggressive behavior the right way of connecting with you, there is some hope. He will understand that finding and securing the help of a coach, counselor or therapist is his duty

If you are still gathering your courage to raise the talk about “passive aggressive behavior” with him because he continues with his denial, you should consider ways of detach and recover some of your lost self-esteem.

If you are investing too much time and effort in a relationship that lacks intimacy, closeness or/and cooperation, take a good look at your need to live with frustration. Ask yourself: “what kind of person would I be if this projected loneliness and frustration were not in my life?”

In this world, each individual has to be in charge of his/her own development. That is our first job. If he ignores or fails owning the responsibility to develop into a capable adult, there is no amount of help from you that can cover this deficit.

When you discover that underneath his passive aggression is a failure to grow up, and of taking ownership of his own personal development, you can’t ignore the size of the challenge in front of you…and this is NOT your task.

Nobody can do this fundamental task, but ourselves. Not even loving this person a lot can replace this fundamental task…So, now, you have a decision to make: can you live with this person, knowing that he is a boy in arrested development presenting himself as a grown up? Or would you prefer to dedicate your energies to finding a grown up companion? We know how difficult is this situation….More help with this difficult decision to be found at: http://www.passiveaggressivehusband.com/pa_husband/

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Healing Words To Communicate Safely With Your Wife

How to break the silence and reconnect with her

This message reaches you at the right moment…when you know that you need to practice the right words to connect with your wife at a deeper level. It can teach you how to solve uncomfortable silent moments, keep a conversation going, and apply the right words and phrases to connect emotionally with her. We have divided here the skills by the milestones they help you achieve.

MILESTONE: Be able to TRULY communicate your thoughts and needs.

1- BREAKING YOUR SILENCE

If you find yourself being silent, and not wanting to start speaking to her yet

DO little things to reach out

DO little things to reach out:

  • Prepare for her a cup of tea;
  • Hand over some piece of chocolate;
  • Get a chair near her and read besides her
  • Touch her hand.

When you feel near to express yourself, ask for a conversation:

-Do you have a bit of time to talk?

-Care for a bit of conversation?

Say: “I’m teaching myself to share more of me. I know why I keep silent, and believe I can change that a bit. I invite you to call my attention when I’m gone into silence.”

Ask: Do you want to share with me what concerns you now?

THEN: Let her take the initiative. Don’t show anger, fear, indignation or other negative emotion. You are here only listening to her.

Instead, first LISTEN TO HER:

1.- Do reflective listening: Repeat her words, in this way:

It seems like you are upset when you don’t get an answer from me

What I hear you saying is that you feel lonely with me

It seems as if I’m invisible in this house

It feels as though I go back and forth, it is not enough for you to feel sharing a life with me

You are wondering if living by yourself would not be better than this time here together

I hear you saying that because I’m silent, you fear that I’m angry with you

Perhaps I can understand what you say as if my silence is a wall between the two

You need answers to make daily decisions, and feel that my silence leaves you abandoned.

After confirming that both are on the same page, and you understand, and accept the impact of silence on her life, then you move to ask:

What can we decide now together as a couple?

(only one decision is enough; don’t tackle heavy issues; get a shared decision, divide who will do what, and write this agreement on paper.)

2.- LEARN HOW TO EXPRESS ANGER AND FRUSTRATION:

Expressing anger

When you________  I feel____________ because_______.

When you share negative comments of me with your friends, I feel angry and rejected, because I have no other people friends than them.

Expressing frustration:

When you________  I feel____________ because_______.

When you make decisions as if I don’t exist, I feel frustrated because then I don’t know who I am for you.

3.- LEARN TO EXPRESS INTEREST/DESIRE

Learn how to say the things your woman loves

When you________  I feel____________ because_______.

When you push me to do things together, I feel connected and supported, because it feels good to do things with you.

When you________  I feel____________ because_______.

When you are patient with me and wait up until I can talk to you, I feel very grateful because you don’t leave me alone.

Learn to say these 10 expressions in your own words

I hear you

Tell me more

Can you explain again?

I lost the last idea, please say it again

No wonder I’m confused…you have such clarity in your ideas, and I’m just opening my mind.

This is my best for now; tomorrow I will listen better

If I forget again, please be patient…

3.- WAYS IN WHICH THE WIFE CAN HELP:

After they have an agreement about silence as a wall that needs to go down, and he reaffirms his willingness to learn to share with her:

3 THINGS SHE CAN SAY TO BRING HIM BACK:

  • I will ask you now: “Care to share with me what worries you? Or is it that somehow you are upset with me? Either way, we can talk!”
  • You have used already your ten minutes of silence of today…
  • If I don’t hear from you, I will make the decision to go out, and live my life now. So, you have two choices to answer: are you upset with me, or are you worried by something?

IN BRIEF:

Don’t drop the ball!

You are in this relationship to connect.

Take upon yourself the task of keeping conversations moving.

Refrain from judging, criticizing or stopping her from sharing.

If you hear in silence, and manage to say some supportive words, or touch her kindly after she expresses herself, it is OK.

If you need to keep silent, tell her: “excuse me, I will sort my thoughts for a while…I’m not abandoning you, only clarifying things in my mind.”

And come back with a smile and an invitation to do a walk together…

Hope this collection of suggestions work! If you want your personal session, here is the link…you are welcome!


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What kind of transformation do we offer?

Here is a short version of the model for transforming passive aggression into a loving, responsive partnership. First, we need to share with you this basic proposition:

Couple arguing at table

Couple arguing at table

There is a strong connection between our personal history and present behavior, more precisely we focus on how:

The old attachment to the first love figure (aka “mother”) is shaping our love connections now;

In short: being unable to communicate in a positive way with his wife, happens not due to bad intentions now, but it happens when men use an outdated protective system that they developed to protect themselves against excessive parent’s control or interference in their childhood. (See reference below)

STEPS TO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MEN’S TRANSFORMATION:

Passive Aggressive Men need to:
-Identify when and with whom they developed in their childhood this “communication shield” expressed as interpersonal passive aggression.
-Locate the feelings attached to that special childhood situation, and release them;
-Separate the way he regards his wife from the way he regarded his mother/caretaker in the past. Learning how to separate the two female images is crucial.
-Re-learn to frame interactions with his wife in a new, appreciative, positive way.
-Learn and use a new repertoire of connection phrases (delivered by us) to foster interaction in a positive leader way; 

CASE EXAMPLE: (Managing a very personal “PA SHIELD”)

GEORGE’S  PERSONAL MILESTONES: (05/26/15)
1.- Taking personal responsibility for the hurtful impact on the relationship of doing some reactive behaviors;
2.- Searching for and identification of past old anger, and discovering how he created the “passive aggressive shield” as a defense against parent’s control;
3.- Learn to separate anger and resistance against parents, (which produced the shield) from emotions generated here and now in the marriage;
4. Understand how his use of the “PA shield” now produces counterproductive results with his wife;
5. Grasp the connection between protecting his own isolation (needed to be able to work) with generating feelings of abandonment in his wife, which then reacts with her own controlling behavior;
6. George experiences demands for company from his wife as suffocating control, and reacts by isolating himself more, (as in the “PA shield”)
7. The solution for control is not more isolation, but the opposite: open up the “PA shield”, trust the relationship and learn to share time and projects.
8. Now, his wife’s request for company will be framed as a legitimate search for love and connection (not control) and solved doing shared activities/projects.
9. Both need to be able to negotiate better their reciprocal needs: (George’s need for space to create, and his wife’s need for company) and to confront each other using Fair Fighting techniques;
10. Keep a routine of maintenance of connection: schedule conversations about home issues, schedule dates and have a clear idea of the time they need to have together.

WHAT CAN GO WRONG?

Here is an outline of all the typical roadblocks and barriers that men have to overcome on their way to achieving such transformation process.

FIRST ROADBLOCK: long-term denial of the behavior done to others, because using the “passive aggression shield” feels “normal.” (He can say:  “I‘m not passive, it’s the way I was brought up)”  (the Passive Aggressive Test helps here)

SECOND ROADBLOCK: resistance to accept his own responsibility for the hurt he does (is not that “she provokes him”; he does PA behavior because it is the only response he knows from his past.)

THIRD ROADBLOCK: refusing to accept hidden, past anger and to deal with the baggage of negative emotions linked to the origin of  “passive aggression shield” back in childhood.

FOURTH ROADBLOCK: resistance to learn and adopt softer interactive behaviors (e.g. Reflective listening as not being “manly behavior”); or not having the skills to do them;

FIFTH ROADBLOCK: Wanting to use good communication skills but sheer ignorance of how to do, what to say, and how to confront with love.  (We provide a list of positive phrases to start conversations!)

Do you want our help to go through this transformation?

You are very welcome!

The first step is to take the Free Passive Aggression Test

Reference: This connection between attachment and actual behavior is backed by solid psychological research, as in the book: “Attached: New Science of Adult Attachment,” by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller.

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Dealing with the silent treatment in your marriage?

Is your passive aggressive husband doing the silent treatment at home?

We humans have a  need to feel that our relationships are stable/ permanent, and we want to know that the people we are with will be there for us.

Usually, having a secure, trusting attachment fulfills this need for us all. And you know you have that kind of relationship by having constant conversations: your partner is open and eager to share with you, listen and be present at what is going on at that moment!

What happens when your partner does the silent treatment to you? You are thrown into a crash course on how to survive without the same things promised to you by marriage: sharing, talking, connecting. Frustrating as hell…what kind of deal are you in now?

Being smacked in the face by your husband’s silence is proof that he grew up with an avoidant or anxious attachment style, where he learned not to trust anybody! This discovery can be a huge shock for you. Where is the confident and communicative guy you fell in love with? Looking at a future with more silence and stonewalling can be devastating to you. And, of course, this passive aggressive resistance grows…no sharing, no disclosing of necessary information, more slamming you into silence and confusion.

When you confront him, and ask for a steady response in sharing or planning a life together, he probably will offer nice promises. And here is another turn of the screw:

 the number one complaint of most wives is that he makes promises to get out of some responsibility or obligation, and then purposely doesn’t fulfill those promises. This is his way to weaken your trust in the relationship, making him feel that he is not “obligated by marriage” to do what he doesn’t want to do…Now, you are in an empty relationship deeply unsatisfying!

That, unfortunately, leads to another cost that you have to pay for your husband: the abandonment that he imposes on you in order to avoid you what he perceives as “intruding” into his privacy. Some wives call it “stonewalling,” referring to a sensation of knocking at a wall without any emotional response. The perception of being let down and ignored in your hour of need is difficult to understand and cope with, especially in a culture where it’s expected that a man be “strong and silent.” Fighting is a way of making the other person pay attention to us; it is a weird form of reconnecting.If he avoids confronting, then his only way out is the silent treatment, that can drive the partner crazy.

If your ability to reconnect with your partner, via fighting or sharing, is being thwarted by passive aggression, this means that the very life of the relationship is being threatened.

That is why, if your relationship is important and something that you want to improve, it is important that you work toward stopping passive aggression in your marriage by seeing what you can do yourself. A marriage that is not connected is not a marriage – it is two people living together and putting on a show for the rest of the world.

In this case, what we observe is a dead end: husband can’t talk abut himself, and blocks any intimate, personal sharing from spouse. If she tries to overcome this deadlock, now you have the second level of the denial circus:

“If I confront him abut his lies, his unfulfilled promises, or god forbid confront him about being passive aggressive, he accuses me of being  “out to make him wrong.” I feel trapped because there is no way I can have a real talk.

We see the defenses here, but he is reacting not to her demands -here and now- but to the imprint left by his first family, where he was probably accused of something not his fault. Sadly, his denial is lethal for the relationship,  that’s where the conversation dies! There is no worst rejection feeling than the one his wife has now…she feels unable to reach him, and her self-worth plummets.

If couples are unable to move beyond this communication wall, their relationship is going to end, and badly. Before they reach the point of total isolation and rejection feelings, what is needed is to find tools to face and resolve this passive aggression behavior.

If you are the wife of a silent partner, here is your book:

Femenia, Nora. The Silent Marriage: How Passive Aggression Steals Your Happiness

And, if you somehow are the silent husband, you can take this offer of a free phone strategic session to review what are your options to restore the joy and communication in your marriage.

You can schedule your strategic phone session here:

Remember that great improvement is made step by step…taking the first step of educating yourself can be the start of a new way of connecting! Ask for an interesting phone conversation just now!

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Using tapping to get passive aggression under control

Tapping– also known as EFT, is a wonderful tool for removing the emotions  that limit subconsciously your success.

Using this tapping technique, you can gain the emotional freedom to truly pursue being, doing and having what you really want in life.

If you are tired of always having a struggle when you want to make positive changes, perhaps it’s time you learn tapping.

 In what area of your life do you want to succeed?  Here is one of the last Brad’s creations: “Passive Aggressive Much?” As you know, tapping is a simple, effective technique to tell your unconscious beliefs and emotions to shape up and support you in building a better life…Here is your video, so tap along with Brad…Meanwhile, remember that you have an standing invitation to enjoy a free strategic session with Coach Nora! Register here: http://passiveaggressivetest.com/save-my-marriage-session

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How Nora’s coaching works to heal marriages!

HERE IS THE TESTIMONIAL BY JIM, A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE HUSBAND

 

When I first spoke with Nora, I was near bottom… I had tried my heart out to please my wife, at least I thought I had.  It seemed as though our natural position was that of confrontation.  All I wanted was peace & quiet.  It shouldn’t be this hard, I thought.  If my wife would only lighten up & try a little harder to just get along, everything would be OK.

Nora refused to be whitewashed by my smooth deliveries.  She saw through me.  Nora refused to go along with the ‘poor little old me’ facade that I had lived with & executed to perfection forever.

Slowly but effectively, Nora was able to show me in a way that I understood & wanted to incorporate in my relationship with my wife that my passive aggressive behavior had done a great deal of damage.  I needed to accept responsibility for my 50% of the problem.  [Even after starting down this new path, at times, I couldn’t help but fall back on old patterns.]  More than just recognizing my part, I needed to apologize for how I conducted myself & then lo & behold if Nora didn’t show me that I had repair work to do after that…  I had never considered that repair work was in my pile… whenever I hurt my wife, it was never intentional.  I always thought that if it wasn’t intentional, it wasn’t really my fault & that, in fact, it was no big deal & that my wife should just let it go as easily as I was willing to.

Now that I am armed with a much better understanding, I recognize that when my wife hurts, I’m disappointed that how I’ve conducted myself has caused her harm.  Sometimes I need a little time to get past my denial & come to terms with my mistake but even before that, if I can’t put it together, I can still apologize for the hurt I’ve caused.  Doing something that validates my apology [the repair part] is now so much easier.  I am convinced myself so I am far more convincing to my wife.

Nora told me how it’s not possible to change anybody else…. but it is possible to change how I treat that somebody else.  When I change how I treat that someone, it is impossible for them to continue to treat me the same as they used to.

Thank you, Nora… so much… you have given me a chance to make a different life… a happy one… inside of a loving relationship with my wife!

 

THIS IS THE SPONTANEOUS TESTIMONIAL OF JIM’S WIFE….

It is with a grateful heart that I am happy to send a round of applause to you and your persistent, consistent methods of steering my husband in a direction that is leading to new growth in our relationship.

From my point of view, there are few PA men that are genuinely ready to embark on the difficult journey of self awareness and mend their ways. For those brave men who reach that point, there is almost no tangible help available to them. What is available is all the negative frustration we as partners are venting in an effort to stay sane enough to perhaps hold on for one more week, day or sometimes hour!

I was very skeptical when my husband actually began to exhibit sharing behavior because it was short-lived initially (as the pattern had been for years). I had to take a step back, too tired to go another round of hope followed by crushing disappointment.

The difference this time was he had a back-up plan – you! With a coach willing to hold him accountable, even though there were (and sometimes still are) lapses, my husband has made significant progress. That has encouraged me to once again step up my end of the deal to be a loving, giving and, in the future, trusting wife.

As we all know there is no answer that continues to work if we don’t work at it; but if you own the tools it’s possible to do the necessary repairs yourself.

Thank you for the gift of yourself in our lives.

Sincerely

A truly hopeful wife

 

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Why Men Don’t Get Their Needs Met

Fotolia_9267128_S.jpgman's needs

Looking at how can a man mature inside a relationship, we got curious about a situation you might recognize:
Why is it that now so many older women are leaving their marriage past mid-life?

Or why is the job of women to perform the couple’s emotional management and when they get fed up, ask for a divorce?

Looking at the basic misunderstandings between both sides of a couple, the real divide called usually the “battle of the sexes…” is easy to see marriage as a deal where male and female can identify and try to get satisfaction to their human needs, counting with help from his/her partner.

Yes in theory, in life, there is always a difference:

We found that men are much more prone to ignore their own needs, thus getting more inclined to hidden frustrations and resentment when men don’t get their needs met and later perhaps developing passive aggressive behaviors as the only way out.

The situation gets worse because this difference is completely ignored by women, and men give up fast trying to make her understand  his needs and so he resigns himself to a life of being not recognized, ignored and disrespected.

How do we get to this situation?

Among the steps that boys must pass through in their development into men there are two important lessons they must learn. The first of these is how to be aware of their mothers’ needs. This awareness is essential for him to be able to depend on her for the satisfaction of his needs. The second step is learning how to be upset about this dependency so to prepare for his future independence.

This permanent ambivalence between dependence and independence will cause the little boy oscillate between learning to be macho and be by himself (not “needing anyone”) and trying to learn how to connect with women. A man’s adult relationships revive the ambivalence he learned at his mother’s side: he is at ease with men, but needs somehow to manage the women in his life to feel completed.

This, then, is one of a man’s permanent developmental tasks: learning how to connect with other men, the world of male companionship, and the very different sphere of learning how to connect with women, traversing the interpersonal desert with his few skills to feel again respected and appreciated.

Here, the risk of not having the skills to connect is clear: the risk of inhabiting the unpleasant spaces of criticism, devaluation, rejection, and,  finally, isolation.

This ambivalence, generated by growing up as a male in the hands of his mother (a self-managing female, with perhaps a weak partner), produces anxiety and insecurity. The man is trained to depend on the next female in his life, his wife, to manage this insecurity. But he can’t reveal a word of this quandary:

  • How can a man admit his insecurity, when he has to project utter self-confidence to woo her?
  • How is he to share his basic anxiety if his prospective mate will be scared to death in the light of such revelations?

Thus, he has to carry on and feel like an impostor, ready to be discovered as a fake, and soon. Insecure, unacknowledged and emotionally torn. What is the worst part of this situation? That the wife doesn’t know a thing about this male predicament. She ignores how and when she is stressing him by making him feel “not good enough” over and over again….

Meanwhile, she has her own agenda. Instead of carefully listening to what her husband says, doesn’t say, or tries to say in a cryptic way, in her desperation for answers to marital conflicts, she listens to relationship experts who tell her “the characteristics of a bad husband and how to change him.”

For the man this is just more of the same, “You aren’t good enough!”

Are you interested in getting more respect to your personal needs?

Do you feel gradually disrespected in public and at home?

Would you like to know how to reposition yourself and recover the power and respect you want to have?

SCHEDULE YOUR OWN  FREE COACHING SESSION, HERE:

http://passiveaggressivetest.com/save-my-marriage/

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What are the Results You Would Like to Have NOW

Dear Friend,

I’m working in a new book, and I need your help to figure out how much importance you give to certain personal issues.

The issues mentioned here are linked to your deep values…

Can I use five minutes of your time?

This is a list of five questions, only….no big sweat, but important for my work.

Thanks a lot!

Here is the survey:

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