Am I Passive Aggressive?

“I’m Passive Aggressive, according to my wife…I was reluctant to accept this, but she has read so many books that finally she is the expert, and finally convinced me.

Now I need to begin talking to her and sharing what I feel….I don’t have the foggiest idea on how to do it…what does she mean by “improving our communication?”

What can you do now? Begin taking the test now:

Click here to take the Passive Aggressive Behavior Test

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Passive Aggression: Is This the Void In Your Relationship?

Are you dealing with a passive aggressive partner?

Some households are not as happy as they could be. There is conflict on various emotional, verbal, perhaps physical levels. What behavior is causing these conflicts? Perhaps you think of yourself as the normal one, but your partner often complains about you, and you often think her as overly dramatic and emotional.

It’s understandable that these fights put you off. You may sit and listen but in your head you are wondering how much longer this fight will take, and you may ask yourself, “Why am I still letting myself stay in this situation, where I’m not wanted?”

What if there’s more here than meets the eye? What if it’s not that she doesn’t want you, but that she’s trying to make you understand something important, something that may either save or break the marriage? Is she worth staying and finding out for?

The common law of physics is that every action has an equal and opposition reaction. The same is true of relationships. Your wife’s reaction to you has been caused by an action that you did somewhere along the line, and not the other way around.

Do you usually say to yourself “What I am doing here” when things get bad? If your wife becomes loud and defiant or demands apologies from you, do you feel that she has no right to speak to you that way?

Are you often impatient to get the conversation over with so that you can do what you think is best for both of you? Does your wife often say that you don’t understand her, that you don’t care about her feelings?

All of these things contribute to the widening gap between you and your wife. The days when the two of you could have a relaxing, enjoyable time at home together are fading.

How about answering this: what is really causing this gap between the two of you? Why are you drifting further apart? What is at stake?


For a long time, I was avoiding confrontation with my wife. She was so aggressive in telling me everything I did wrong that it made me feel like I’m not good enough for anything. Who wants to listen to that? Every fight we were in made me feel more isolated, more unwanted, more of a disappointment to her.

I found myself wishing she wouldn’t get so angry. I wished she could lovingly tell me that I hurt her, that she would know for sure that I didn’t mean any harm. I wished that she could show me that I hurt her in a way that made me want to change my behavior. Instead, she said it in a way that made me rationalize my behavior & protect myself from her vocal disappointment.

It’s different now.

One night I was by myself, going over our fight in my head, and I did a search on “passive aggressive.” This is what she was always calling me, and it was driving me crazy! I found this site, and instead of explaining to me why I should believe my wife, this little test was there to say: “Find out by yourself.”

I was amazed at how everything changed after that. Suddenly, a personalized solution for us as a couple was in our hands. For years, I’ve been silently struggling to find a way of living that makes us both feel safe and secure in the relationship; not in danger of losing each other, as I used to feel.

I’m learning now how to do these things, and home feels safer and happier because of it.

– Alan G., Ontario

Are you ready to find out the truth about this gap, the one your wife says is caused by passive aggression? Find out for yourself, like Alan did, by visiting our Passive Aggression Test here. Save your marriage today!

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

We can begin by you being invited to receive a complimentary strategic consultation, followed with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Is Passive Aggressive Behaviour Wrecking Your Relationship?

Are you being told that your passive aggressive behavior is damaging your relationship?

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Test.

Now that you know where you are, your next question for yourself is probably this: “Why am I here?”

In your opinion, you are an honest husband who always tries to do what is best for your wife and family. You treat them well, provide for them what they need, try to teach them the right ways of doing things.

So, why is your wife still complaining about you? Does she often say things like:

  • Stop being so passive aggressive
  • You’re trying to sabotage my projects
  • You don’t include me in the household finances/decision-making
  • You always put me down in front of our family and friends
  • You kill me with your constant silence!

Perhaps your wife often blames and reproaches you for events in the marriage’s past that you feel you had no big part in. Why would she be bringing up these old things, or keep using them against you? Is she just being controlling, or is there a point underneath it all?

Sometimes it is difficult for us to understand our partners – we’re all only human, after all. The most common cause of frustration during conflict is either a) feeling like you didn’t do something you’re being accused of or b) feeling like you’ve fulfilled something you’re accused of not doing enough of.

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Why is your wife making this noise about your supposed passive aggression, or about hurting her deeply – when all you are trying to do is make her happy? Is there any reason to stick around if she can’t be pleased? Well, who can understand women, right?

Even now she is pushing you into therapy or coaching because she says you are too sullen, depressed, and angry about small things, but she can’t talk to you about your marriage big problems. Does she think she needs a professional to ask you to open up and say what you think? What are you supposed to do with her move now?

If you’re not willing to go to therapy because you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, or because you feel you can’t trust anybody’s word at this point, we understand. We know that at this point, you feel like your situation is building momentum, heading for disaster as surely as a runaway train is about to derail.

That’s why we offer our free, fast test so that you can decide for yourself where you stand. Find out if it is true that you use passive aggression in your family! You don’t need to pay someone in a therapist’s office – you can find answers and solutions right now.

Visit our Passive Aggression Test here, get your profile, and with that tool in your hands stop your marriage from derailing off the tracks.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary strategic session, followed with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!
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Are you a passive aggressive man?

Have you been told that you are a passive aggressive man?  Are you dealing with your wife’s accusations now?

In our coaching practice we have discovered that some men using passive aggressive behaviors are emotionally unavailable because are trapped in a childhood situation They grew up without lots of emotional expressions, never learned to use them, and now, dealing with a wife, are often accused of acting emotionally unavailable on purpose.

Of course, it is not because they don’t want to be expressive! It is because they never learned how to be! Or rejected open expressions of love because the environment classified those expressions as “sissified” and “not manly.”

Perhaps you are under the constant claims of your wife, who feels lonely, not appreciated and left isolated by your silence? Or are you damaging the relationship by keeping important issues like finances out of sharing with her?

Well, it’s time to grow up…Normal, healthy people are not afraid of sharing and expressing love. If you are ready to take the jump and reach out of your self-created cave, there are ways to do it…

  • Lose your shame; you will love to be married and happy;
  • Forget the childhood labels: feeling your emotions is not “being sissy”
  • You know that you yourself want to stop the emotional starvation!

Needing some one on one conversation? Here is a Strategic Session Offer, so you can discover your own change map to follow. Schedule your free session, get solutions to your questions and receive the info you need to make your decisions! Enjoy!

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How to Stop Passive Aggressive Behavior

man stop passive aggressive behavior

stop passive aggressive behavior


Do you want to learn how to stop your own passive aggressive behavior? Perhaps you’re just now realizing how much your past marriage struggles have had to do with your own behavior, (after taking the PA Test?) or perhaps you’ve come to terms with the fact that you need help stopping some action that you didn’t even know you were doing.

There are many sites that tell husbands how to identify their behavior and actions, and many sites that help wives identify it, too. You can even find internet resources for why passive aggression exists in the first place. However, very few resources help you, as the passive aggressive man, understand how to STOP your behavior. It’s like learning how a bomb is made, but not learning how to turn it off in time to save the world!
Your reasons for changing are your own, but the first step in your healing process is to accept the past and move forward. Don’t be beaten down by guilt or anger at how your passive aggression has hurt the marriage – focus on what you can actively do TODAY to change your life TOMORROW. So where do you start? What are your options? How can you change your behavior instead of just coping with it?
The best place to start with your own self and your own story:
Yes, you may have read a lot online about why passive aggressive people behave the way they do… in general. You need to look closer at yourself and see where your past pain lies. For some, this may mean some hard (but necessary) sessions with a professional grief or abuse counselor. Your past pain will often dictate how you react: so if you understand your past pain, you can almost predict which situations are going to set you off! Begin compiling knowledge about your “trigger” situations, and start thinking now about the bad and good ways of handling the emotions that surround that situation.
Need some help? Let’s look at an example of a reaction:
You realize that in your interactions with your wife, you often remember something one way, while she swears you did or said something another way. If you know that a common passive aggressive behavior is to defend, deny and rationalize, you’re on the right track to getting to know yourself better. In what ways might, say, last week’s interaction be a case of you rationalizing an event? A good sign of you doing this is that you don’t actually remember what happened, only what you suppose happened, based on “This is how I would act.”
Need more help identifying basic passive aggressive behaviors, and applying them to your situation? You can find all the information you need in our system, called “The 4 Steps to FREE Your Marriage of Passive Aggression”! You won’t just learn about how and why you act passive aggressively, but how to use that knowledge to STOP your passive aggression once and for all.
Neil Warner

Neil Warner


I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. We can begin by you having a complimentary strategy session, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!
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Sad Letter From a Fed Up Wife

fed up wife

Do you have a “fed up” wife at home, too?

“I left my husband after 25 years of marriage due to him being PA. His behavior had escalated out of all control until eventually the last 12 weeks of living together became almost unbearable for both me and our two teenage children. I did sit him down and explain how his behavior was having a very bad impact on all family members and told him that I would be leaving within a few days. His answer to that was ‘do as you want’!

I just could not stand the constant silent treatment, the stonewalling when I tried to express my worries and concerns, the Jekyll and Hide mood swings, the withholding of love and affection and what appeared to be outright rebelliousness like that of a 16 year old juvenile delinquent. He avoids confrontation with just about every human being he comes across. Work, family, friends, the lot. He avoids phone calls, he avoids any form of communication at all and when friends and family have visited he would sit in front of the tv and turn the volume up to max in order to drown their voices out. They would leave eventually feeling rejected, disappointed and completely disrespected and I would be left feeling really embarrassed for his behavior. Our children were mortified at some of the things he did.

When I did leave, after making him quite aware of my intentions he had a nervous breakdown. He begged for forgiveness and told me how he was considering taking his own life because of me abandoning him. He convinced me that we should go to marriage guidance, which we did but even there he avoided any conversations. I didn’t realize how good he really was at evading things, changing the subject and railroading any conversation so that we ended up discussing anything else but the topic we had started talking about. He is desperate for me and the kids to return home but I can’t and won’t because I don’t see that much of a change in him. I will give him his dues, he brings me flowers every week, he sends me text messages full of romance and protestations of love but is it enough? I don’t think so. When I have tried to speak to him recently about my feelings he is still shutting down and closing himself off using sentences like ‘My heart tells me to let you go and find someone that can treat you the way you deserve to be treated but my heart wont allow me to do that because it would break in two if I ever thought you loved someone else‘! and ‘I don’t know I am doing the things you say I am doing’!

The last drop was this comment: ‘Do we really need to talk about my behavior and how it makes you feel, if you have a problem with me then keep it to yourself and don’t burden me with it’!

My question is how do I get him to actually sit and listen? How do I get him to see that his PA behavior and the way he is unable to manage it is affecting his everyday life, relationships at work and with his immediate family? He has lost one job already because his answer to a demanding bosses request is to ring in sick just when the boss is expecting him to give his all during a busy period then tells the boss he is under so much stress at home it made him ill. He avoids taking any responsibility for his elderly mother and tells his whole family its because I keep him far too busy and don’t approve of him visiting his own family. He actually uses me to cover for his inadequacies.

Since I left he is now in a financial bind. He has not managed his money well at all and has resorted to gambling and excessive TV watching to avoid dealing with the problems he has. He blames me leaving for the situation he is in.

Is there anything I can do at all for this man. I am starting individual therapy this week and hope this is going to help me personally.

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.”

Our reply:

So sorry to hear about your family’s situation! Even when you are coming out of sheer misery and pain, you still have a long way to go….

My new ebook proposes a new understanding of the deep psychology of passive aggression… what I’ve found is that for some men, having experienced some childhood abuse or molestation is enough to keep them in the “Wounded Inner Child” situation for life.

You don’t say anything about your husband’s past, but it looks to me as if he doesn’t really understand what is required of him to function as a grown up man. As much as you claim, demand, require and chastise him, the less he can deliver…..

He is now a cornered child, failing at marriage and work, making bad financial decisions….because the part of his brain in charge of rational decision making is not working. Like the emotional empathy side also.

Whatever happened to him, he probably either doesn’t remember (it has become a part of his unconscious mind) or he can’t talk about that experience. Is this experience what shaped his mindset into one of mistrust and reactive defense against intimacy and trusting other person like you.

All this explanation is not enough for you finding a magical solution….I’m sorry to say that there is not one.

The point is:

He needs to acknowledge that he doesn’t have the foggiest idea what being a mature husband is; he needs to reconcile with the idea that he is not understanding the depth of your frustration (getting married to a man and finding a rebellious teen?) and your pain because the loneliness he condemned you to.

He was only believing that he could catch up with flowers and gifts, but really his Wounded Inner Child needs healing before anything else. As now, he is resentful, but lost.

And, he needs to start a plan for growing up. Perhaps it will not happen in time to prevent this divorce, but it should happen so he can have a better life. As it is now, frustrating everybody around because he feels a failure inside is no joke!

Please, get your own copy of the movie “BIG” with Tom Hanks, and realize that he was as he is now from way before you met him. He needs serious help to start healing; he could start by taking the Passive Aggression Test and facing the degree of his resistance to a healthier relationship.

Now, while he blames you for the divorce he will not be ready to use outside help to change. And he really needs to get some evaluation and plan for change now, before he continues destroying his own world.

Sending you all my best wishes in your new life,

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How Passive Aggression Sabotages Love in a Marriage

Is your wife’s most constant complaint that you never open up to her? Does she talk about your passive aggression? 

If so, we encourage you to pause with us for a moment. Let’s assume that whether or not you open up (and support emotionally) your wife the way she needs, if your wife feels isolated from you, it is a problem in the relationship because she will feel hurt by you and then be unable to support you in the way that you need.

So now there are two things to think about: do I or do I not open up to her? and how can I respond to her hurt feelings, either way?

A quick way to get an idea about your ability to open up now is to think back to whether you could have open conversations, feelings of anger included, when you were a child.

When you were a child, were you restricted from expressing anger toward your parents? If you had a need, and were feeling it keenly, what happened when you expressed it? If you were guilt-tripped for being too “needy,” shamed for being a baby or a whiner, you probably taught yourself to just shut up when you needed something from other people.

In order not to feel pity for yourself, you would have then taught yourself that repressing emotions and sucking things up was an admirable trait; a feat of skill, something only a manly man could achieve.

Still not sure – maybe some seems right, some not quite? Some other ways you can know that you had trouble opening up is that you would have shown your frustration in ambiguous ways. You might have destroyed your own toys, physically hurt yourself, or wet the bed. You may have also fallen behind in school, even if you were very smart.

If you can identify with this type of childhood, the real situation at home now is that these old defensive mechanisms are still at work, although your ways of not opening up may be different. You may be going silent for days or weeks, for example. The truth remains that just now, this behavior is destroying any intimacy you were able to build with your loved one. For now, she feels condemned to loneliness by your withdrawal and silent days, and you are trapped in a lonely jail of your own making.

Want to know how to walk out of this trap? Do you dare to look back to your past and identify the forces that here and now sabotage your marriage?

Here is your next step: take the Passive Aggressive Test. If you are found to have no passive aggressive behaviors, you know that there is something else going on to create a wound between you and your wife. And, in the event that some of your behaviors are passive aggressive, you will receive immediate options for improving your communication style at home.

What kind of transformation do we offer?

Here is a short version of the model for transforming passive aggression into a loving, responsive partnership. First, we need to share with you this basic proposition:

Couple arguing at table

Couple arguing at table

There is a strong connection between personal history and present behavior, more precisely how the old attachment to the first love figure (aka “mother”) is shaping our love connections now;

In short: being unable to communicate in a positive way with his wife, happens not due to bad intentions now, but it happens when men use an outdated protective system that developed to protect against excessive parent’s control or interference in their childhood.


Men need to:
-Identify when and with whom they developed in their childhood this “communication shield” expressed as interpersonal passive aggression.
-Locate the feelings attached to that control childhood situation, and release them;
-Separate the way he regards his wife from the way he regarded his mother/caretaker in the past. Learning how to separate the two is crucial.
-Re-learn to frame interactions with his wife in a new, appreciative, positive way.
-Learn and use a new repertoire of connection phrases (delivered by us) to foster interaction in a positive leader way; 

CASE EXAMPLE: (Managing a very personal “PA SHIELD”)

1.- Taking personal responsibility for the hurtful impact of doing some reactive behaviors on the relationship;
2.- Searching for and identification of past old anger, and discovering how he created the “passive aggressive shield” as a defense against parent’s control;
3.- Learn to separate anger and resistance against parents, (which produced the shield) from emotions generated here and now in the marriage;
4. Understand how his use of the “PA shield” now produces counterproductive results with his wife;
5. Grasp the connection between protecting his own isolation (needed to be able to work) with generating feelings of abandonment in his wife, which then reacts with her own controlling behavior;
6. George experiences demands for company from his wife as suffocating control, and reacts by isolating himself more, (as in the “PA shield”)
7. The solution for control is not more isolation, but the opposite: open up the “PA shield”, trust the relationship and learn to share time and projects.
8. Now, his wife’s request for company will be framed as a legitimate search for love and connection (not control) and solved doing shared activities/projects.
9. Both need to be able to negotiate better their reciprocal needs: (George’s need for space to create, and his wife’s need for company) and to confront each other using Fair Fighting techniques;
10. Keep a routine of maintenance of connection: schedule conversations about home issues, schedule dates and have a clear idea of the time they need to have together.


Here is an outline of all the typical roadblocks and barriers that men have to overcome on their way to achieving such transformation process.

FIRST ROADBLOCK: long-term denial of the behavior done to others, because using the “passive aggression shield” feels “normal.” (He can say:  “I‘m not passive, it’s the way I was brought up)”  (the Passive Aggressive Test helps here)

SECOND ROADBLOCK: resistance to accept his own responsibility for the hurt he does (is not that “she provokes him”; he does PA behavior because it is the only response he knows from his past.)

THIRD ROADBLOCK: refusing to accept hidden, past anger and to deal with the baggage of negative emotions linked to the origin of  “passive aggression shield” back in childhood.

FOURTH ROADBLOCK: resistance to learn and adopt softer interactive behaviors (e.g. Reflective listening as not being “manly behavior”); or not having the skills to do them;

FIFTH ROADBLOCK: Wanting to use good communication skills but sheer ignorance of how to do, what to say, and how to confront with love.  (Our list of phrases helps here)

Do you want our help? The first step is to take the Free Passive Aggression Test, here:

(This connection between attachment and actual behavior is backed by solid psychological research, as in the book: “Attached: New Science of Adult Attachment,” by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller.)

Neil Warner

Neil Warner, author

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How to get out of the dog house and save your marriage?

Are you really trying to save your marriage? Please, read with me this letter from a desperate husband:

Hello Nora,
“I am a passive aggressive husband with four children and a depressed wife. We just started marriage counseling because of my infidelity and my blaming her for it.

Anyways I saw most of your materials are for the woman in the relationship but none are for the man/husband. What can you recommend for me. I just finished reading No more Mr Nice Guy and I’m positive I’m passive aggressive and that it’s ruining or may have ruined my chances to reconciliation with my wife.

Besides for the books I’d like to purchase, I’m starting therapy for myself besides the couple’s counseling we recently started a month ago. What should I ask my new therapist to see if he can help me. I live in Maryland and saw you are in Florida so I don’t know if you recommend anyone in the Mid Atlantic.

Thanks a lot and look forward to your response.”


Dear Joe,
thanks for writing asking for support. Perhaps there is a mistake in your search, because I do have a program for you.

Please, schedule your session here:

You will find we have designed a program that will help you discover the roots of your problem, plus a plan for addressing it, and you can begin working on it NOW.

This program focus on personal coaching to learn and apply new behaviors.  It is a long term process, that allows you to identify negative mindsets and develop a positive communication style.

Perhaps it would be useful to do this program before starting your personal therapy: it will help you pinpoint the challenges coming from your childhood mindset,  and know where to start with the learning of new behaviors.

  Be ready to have a 30′ free strategy call with me,  to answer your questions fast. Best wishes!

Book Your Free Coaching Session!

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Human Needs Frustration At The Root of Passive Aggression

How frustration of human needs is located at the root of passive aggression?

Let’s recover a bit of human needs theory:

We all human beings have vital needs that demand the cooperation of others to satisfy. Without others help we cannot survive, develop and grow into independent adults.

Through the vehicle of necessary interpersonal relationships, these human needs are expressed and satisfied. Of course, sex and love are important part of those needs. In this graphic you can see the needs and how they build up on each other…

Humans at birth have a family, so we can both survive childhood and feel important and loved by parents and relatives. This is the basic attitude necessary to grow up feeling loved and connected with others later.

Why the connection with others, including future sexual companions, is important? because growth as an adult person needs the interchange of actions and messages between people to cover all the basic needs.

In this way, consensual sex is an agreement by which both sides cooperate in getting their connection needs solved, and marriage becomes an alliance between two people who agree to support each other in the fulfillment of these basic needs, so they can develop completely into adulthood.

Human Needs Chart

In other words, we can understand different levels of human needs describing different human situations like the following ones:

    1. We need many social connections, (variety) some of which are closer than others. We need to matter to others, be approved by and be held in high esteem by others.
    2. We need one significant, permanent and loving partner. If  we do not find one, we will have a deep craving and sense of something missing – even if we banish these feelings from our consciousness and refuse to acknowledge them – until we find such a partner.

For many people, some bonding needs are going unmet for long time. This state of chronically unmet bonding needs can feel “normal,” or an acceptable fact of life… He or she may rationalize it as an aversion to sex, ineptitude at or disinterest in relationships. In other words, he or she experiences relationship pain but accepting somehow the responsibility for this frustration.

Looking at the basic frustration of connection skills that some men suffer, this is a skill that needs to be learned along life. All boys need both to learn how to connect with other men, (the world of male companionship), and the very different sphere of learning how to connect with women, using relational skills to feel valued and appreciated.

In short, when this process is not done properly, he ends up seeing himself as rejected and isolated in a world where everybody else is connected…Passive aggression is the way of telling others that this person suffers due to the inability to connect, and the way of compensating is getting even with the people assumed to be isolating him.

Isolated and frustrated young men are not a new phenomenon; what is new is the actual connection with deep wishes for “retribution” against their perceived isolation….we live in such an interconnected world that deprivation of basic human needs (as sexual needs)  are felt as a global attack against oneself. The power of unmet human needs is real here.

What can be done to prevent this kind of behavior?

  • We need to be sure that we build emotional connections; that we care for each other in such a way we teach young people not only how to man a computer game but also how to express and share basic human needs language. We need to avoid bullying and all other ways of rejecting and ostracizing young people.
  • We need to teach that hungers of the heart for love and connection are to be acknowledged and solved in everyday life; that we can’t ignore some kids starvation from connection because it will affect others that are not directly responsible for this starvation in the future.
  • In a sense, we all have to take care of teaching our youngsters how to connect and relate to each other in an appreciative way, in such a way we nurture each other’s sense of self.

When the frustration of human needs for affection is frustrated in a permanent way, we have husbands doing passive aggression as their way to connect. Now, the challenge is on the wife’s shoulders. She needs to learn how to identify, understand and manage passive aggression in her home. At the same time, she has to balance her own personal development while compensating the chronic lack of emotional support of her partner.

Nora Femenia, Ph.D. is the author of the book The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband, a field guide for women that have to deal with passive aggression from their partners.

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Do You Have a Passive Aggression Problem?

Does this sound like a familiar train of thought to you: “I’ve always tried not to show any anger, so that love and acceptance are the only things in our relationship”?

If this is familiar, then your wife telling you that there’s a problem with your behavior comes as a huge surprise!

To you, this way of behaving (controlling your emotions at all times) is something you’ve learned since childhood. If your wife can’t accept that, tough luck, right?

Well, when it comes to the status of your marriage, it may be important to make a distinction between your personality (who you’ll always be) and your learned behavior (things that you’ve done since childhood, but may be having negative consequences). Why make this distinction? Simple. It’s making it clear that she has an issue with behavior that’s been learned (and can be unlearned) and not necessarily with you as a person, lover, or husband.

Let’s look at this learned behavior. Why don’t you want to show anger now? Probably because showing anger as a child or teen had negative consequences, right? Consequences you’re trying to avoid now by repressing bad emotions.

However, anger still comes up, and anger still has to go someplace. So, what you learned in childhood and what you may still do as an adult is channel that anger “underground,” so to speak. You found ways to stick it to your enemies in subtle ways.

Does this sound familiar to how your wife describes you – perhaps you’ve heard her say something like “You seem to be two people in the same body, one nice and one bad, like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hide.”

This way of living is very difficult, for both you and your family. First, you need to deny your anger; then, you need to find subtle ways of letting off steam; then, both of these actions need to be denied by your rational self, who is in charge of saying, “I’ve never did such a thing! You blame me for these things, for being passive aggressive and sabotaging you, when all I’m doing here is protecting and providing for you!”

It could be that being honest would reveal too much of your anger, so you need to find ambiguous ways of avoiding certainty. That way, you never tell her outright that she did anything wrong, or that you’re unhappy with her because of this or that.

Logically she should be very happy with you as a husband – technically, you never point out her faults or correct her mistakes upfront, only in a sly way. However, she’s not happy feeling that you don’t talk about anything that could improve your relationship, even helping her improve…. Are you committed to this marriage or not?

What is it she still needs from you? Is she still claiming companionship, intimacy and sharing? Those are dangerous words; as soon as you open up, you expect that someone will get hurt, and having fights every day is tiring.

But who says it’s dangerous. Who, really? If you listen hard enough, you may hear your parents’ voices.

Are you ready to see how much effect your childhood is having on your marriage? Ready to find out for yourself whether your wife’s claims of passive aggression are real?

Visit our Passive Aggressive Test here, and learn once and for all whether she’s right.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. We can begin by you receiving a  complimentary consultation, followed with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!
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